Britains Got Genital Warts. May 2, 2010

Due to only having one entrant in my competition I am keep it open until the final, simply leave a comment with a random, and weird illness and you could be in with a chance of winning a special mystery, as yet not decided, prize. So far the one entrant was of a brilliant stand up so you’ll have to work hard. Now to the show.

Here we are in Byker Grove town, personally I’m hoping to see Jeff come back from dead.

Now I write this blog as I watch the show, that being why it seems like it’s in bullet point form, and right now I’m going to make a prediction that whoever the first person is will not get through.

So it’s a dance troupe called AKA and there is nothing weird about fake tanned, make up caked ten-year olds. Oh no, wait, sorry, yes there is! Simon starts off with having to translate what on earth they ae saying, and then the dancing starts with just a blur of gold and the constant fear that their hair is going to get tied together. And I shall admit that I was wrong. They changed the format and put the first through, but you know what that means…

MONTAGE!!!

Greg Sorden, doing a little dance, and just, well I don’t know, I feel mean taking the mick out of the mentally challenged.

Nicola, doing some stand up comedy but with a severe lack of jokes.

Gary dressed in drag doing some terrible singing. Although someone should tell Simon that horrendous isn’t three words, even if you say it slowly.

END OF MONTAGE!!!

Hoho haha hehe, Ant and Dec made a joke about how terrible they are.

Magic time, but oh my god there’s someone playing a flute, this is going to be (in three words)bril…..li…..ant. SEE SIMON IT DOESN’T WORK!! So Dec started the clapping there, while some out of tune flute playing begins and Amanda Holden pulls some strange….smiles?…whenever a bird appears. Amazingly after the crap flute playing and the boring magic they got through, I have now lost my faith in Piers…no actually I feel exactly the same.

MONTAGE TIME AGAIN!!

Bendy twins, don’t get to excited men, they’re to young, wait a few years.

Georgie Overton, singing terribly yet for some reason going through. I am actually astounded at this episode, someones put acid in their water!

Bionic Funk, doing some crazy moves, and getting through, well someone had to have some talent.

END OF MONTAGE!!

Connected, a 14-year-old boy band, let’s spot the gay one! There is something severely off-putting about a group of boys that age talking about touring the world and releasing albums, especially when all five of them look dead behind the eyes. It’s as if their Tess Daly’s children, or a Hitler Youth boy band. It feels like watching the auditions for Blue before they were forced to add Simon. Here is my hope for these boys, that they get through to the final and mid way through their last song all their voices break. That is my dream now someone go give them some hormone treatment.

Geoff Derbyshire, 41, drives a fork lift, a broken nose, and writing on the back of his head. I’m expecting good things, oh jesus christ he’s stripping and skipping, and he’s off my tv.

I hear incidental music and I can smell a sob story. It’s Olivia, looking like a female version of Tom from Mcfly with a tongue that just wont fit her mouth. Ah it’s one of those young girls with the powerful voices that’s not disconcerting in any way. So everyone loves her, and everyone’s crying and the clichés come a flying. She made that her song. Well I beg to differ, if she had rewritten it then yes she would have made it her own.

Different dreams, two bonnie lasses(was that polite enough?) who look like they would be fun to go drinking with. I bet they could drink me under the table. Will this be a Susan Boyle moment………..well it is for one at the moment even with her bouncer style standing. Unfortunately the other wasn’t very good, so the choice had to be made and the shit ones gone. I’m honestly scared the better singer is about to turn into the hulk with the way she’s pacing. But suddenly without her friend she sounds worse, and chicachicaa they didn’t put her through, nice.

I must just say though, the Newcastle theatre looks lovely.

Well that was this week, thanks for coming to this rather late edition of Britain’s Got (insert illness). Now I shall spend the next day staring at the screen as I play the new Final Fantasy. I bid you adieu.

Stupid Parties Part 2 April 26, 2010

Welcome back kids, today I wrote an email to Ukip, that loving party, and without further ado here it is.

After reading your manifesto there are several points which have caught my eye and that I have not been to sure whether they are even viable and some which seem a bit ignorant.
“Save up to £120bn a year by leaving the EU. No British jobs or trade will be lost” I feel people seem to forget that we are part of Europe, just because we are not on the mainland and seems to have an over hyped sense of self worth about our country. We need the EU otherwise we will just become the insignificant little country that we are.
“End abuse of the UK asylum system and expel Islamic extremists” You mention Islamic extremists there, what about Catholic extremists, Jewish extremists, Christian and any other religion you care to think of. You cannot just target one certain religion. There have been many times that I walk down my local high street to hear Christian preachers yelling to tell me that gay people are wrong and any one that’s not christian is wrong, but I know free speech works both ways they have their right to say what they want and I have the right to reply, not to just say they have no right to be here, that’s what living in a free society means.
“Introduce a ‘Three Strikes and You’re Out’ law to lock up career criminals for good” This has been used in America now for a number of years and it clearly doesn’t work. Essentially people could be put away for life for frivolous crimes. It’s not about locking people up it’s about finding the route of why people do what they do and fixing that.
“Keep Britain’s independent nuclear deterrent strong” Keep it for what reason exactly? Yes other countries who previously have not had nuclear weapons are developing them, but this country cannot complain about others having these weapons while being in possession them.
“Oppose wind farms in general and require them to be funded by the market” I do not understand the offence people take with wind farms, we need to start using these types of resources other than those that will eventually run out. Now is the time to be investing in wind farms, solar panels, tidal energy and other types like this.
“End support for multiculturalism and promote one shared British culture for all” The world today is a multicultural one, with technology bringing everyone closer together, and this is a good thing. How can we expect to move on as a race, and I mean the whole human race as a whole, if we all stay in our own separate cultures.
“Scrap political correctness in public affairs” Political correctness always annoys me, mainly because it doesn’t exist. It’s call politeness and when did this become a bad thing.

Thank you for reading this email and it would be nice to get a reply explaining more on some of these parts of your manifesto.

Remember you can join in with this, just go onto their websites, have a quick read through their manifestos, believe me their manifestos aren’t that long, and then send off an email. As yet I have had no reply from the English democrats

There’s still time to enter yesterdays competition and win that mystery prize, I’m gonna make it a good prize. So far I’ve had one entry and that was my brother. Simply give me a strange disease and my favourite will be the title for saturday nights blog. Cheers for stopping by.

Britains Got Glaucoma April 25, 2010

Hello, and welcome back to my weekly edition of Britain’s Got… Each week I bring you a hateful look at the vacuousness of ITV. I may well carry on this weekly feature once this has finished just ripping into much of the ITV schedule but for now it’s just this.

Sorry for the lateness this week but I was out being sociable so I’m now watching the repeat.

Here we go, tense music begins, Ant and Dec look ‘ard, crowd appears and we see the last weeks. This is Britain’s(drum beat) Got(drum beat) Talent(drum beat). I can hardly wait.

On a side I’ve not put enough milk in my hot chocolate.

So the first act is Christine, 51 from Leeds, with a mouth that appears to be pulled down at the sides by string when she speaks, either that or she’s having a stroke on both sides. Well it looks like she’s taken my advice from twitter earlier in the week, cheers yourself up if your down by doing a little moonwalk. And oh, Piers Morgan tries a joke and 20 people laugh, you know we are now going to see a one man show of Piers Morgan doing a Frank Sinatra style show.

Christine, as always being the first act shown, didn’t get through, meaning we now have to see….

FAILURE MONTAGE

Girl playing guitar with a pogo stick, and by playing i mean strumming no chords as she holds the stick between her, well i could go crude but I’ll say legs.

Singing bodybuilder, seemingly not building for that long but with that voice he may aswell go to America and sing many a country song for literally pounds.

Tits, bad singing, fire, and a warning from Dec, well that’s a definite no…wait, two yes’ are you people mental!

END OF FAILURE MONTAGE

Here comes Stevie, the regurgitator who I’m pretty sure I’ve seen before, and he, like the fire lady, gets a warning, but don’t worry it’s from Ant this time, mixing it up a little are we ITV just to keep me watching. This bloke is strange but you have to admit, it’s fucking impressive, I want to see him win and then die on stage in front of the queen. So they put him through, yes I’ll agree it was fascinating but it’s going to be the same act every time surely, but it’s okay there’s a sob story, I often swallow things I don’t want people to steal, my Iphones currently resting on top of my pancreas.

Now we’re back from the break with a guitar playing dog, I for one am fucking excited! I have never seen Cowell’s face light up like that with the thought of what is about to happen. And now she’s ruined it by not letting the dog  start. Ok the dog not really being bothered just wanting to shut the woman up. Right now I want to just shake that woman and say “NO, NO!” and hit her on the nose with a newspaper. Shockingly she’s not through, the one good thing Simon Cowell has ever done.

But you know what this means

ANIMAL MONTAGE!

Star the pig, wandering off stage and attacking Ant. I’m sure we’re all thinking the same thing. PUT THE PIG THROUGH!!

Neil and his snail racing, nothing happens, there’s not even any jokes. Lets just hope one day the snails rise up against him and kill him in some snail way, maybe slime up his throat.

Dancing horse girl, oh it’s shitting on the stage, it’s like blue peter. Hahaha a horse is doing a bodily function, it’s hilarious teehee hoohoo hahhah. *note sarcasm

END OF ANIMAL MONTAGE

The Arrangement, who’s lead singer looks like the lead singer of G4 but slightly traumatized, maybe just after a vicious gang rape involving Louis Walsh, Simon Cowell, brian freedman, and Danni Minogue with her giant cock. Well where else do you think the rest of her skin went. Oh it’s a medley, with a good singer this could be good. I have to admit I feel this is the one show that I will like this week, with a few more lessons he could sing better, but the band were good, and Pokerface was a genius end to the performance.

Question time, this is always fun. What they should do with this is just put the people who get it wrong in a room and get people to pay to poke them with a stick. Roll up, roll up, come see the dumb, marvel at their inability to add, wonder at the lack of general knowledge, be transfixed by the way they believe anything written in the Sun, or as they call it My Sun(seriously they do, read the letters page, it’s hilarious).

Back in London and the judges are discussing their sleeping arrangements, well that’s an image I will never get rid of.

So now Lady Gaga’s better looking brother Max Oliver, singing, for the second time this episode, Pokerface, and doing a rather good impression of the Gaga, that not being hard due to the fact that she is a terrible dancer and cannot sing live. Simon asks “If we’ve already got Lady Gaga, why do we need you?” Well I would ask why do we need Lady Gaga. He still walks like a man though, I love people who drag up but still walk with that blokey gait.

So it’s acrobat time, and what better way to introduce them than with High School Musical. Jesus christ that child is 18! Ok I can’t mock this it’s amazing, that’s what talent is, the others need to learn. That was simply amazing, so amazing in act I’m going to use the line that get’s used on all these shows. That is what this competition is about. Just wow is all I can say.

So Chris, being pushed into this by his parents, well I feel we’re all expecting the same thing to happen, he will no doubt be terrible. Oh look it’s a Susan Boyle moment, wait for look from Amanda, you know the one with that look you get when your trying to force a fart out. Well he has a nice voice, but not something we haven’t all heard before, and those people on the balconies had better sit down before it crumbles and kills the people below. On second thoughts jump people on the balcony, jump! Obviously after that he is going through but at least Simon is being a little hard on him, how do you expect someone to get better without people telling them what to improve on. That’s why Amanda Holden is still shit at everything, I mean have you seen her knitting.

Well that’s it for this weeks edition, come back next week for more Britain’s Got Talent abuse, but before I leave you I have a little competition. If you can name a random disease you may well get it in the title and alongside that win a glorious prize. Leave suggestions on the comments and I shall pick a winner later in the week.

Thanks for reading.

Stupid Parties Part 1 April 24, 2010

I think for the next week or so I may write some angry emails to the hate peddling political parties that are so intent on destroying this country.

Today I read the English Democrats sorry excuse of a website and it got me a little bit angry so this is the email I wrote. Please join me in just being mildly annoying to these hateful fringe parties.

I have several questions but I’ll keep this short.
You say “our heritage is the bedrock of the future of England”, looking back is not how you move forward, if people constantly looked backwards we wouldn’t be living in the technological world we are now. The English people I mostly meet who do look back seem to feel that we won the two world wars, WE didn’t our ancestors did, and they won them to keep this a free country.
You say “the rich heritage of our christian faith” this is not a christian country any more this is a secular country. Look in all the churches and you will see them mostly empty, people are christian by name but nothing else.
You say “And to qualify for being English is simple, you value and appreciate the English community and want to contribute to it” what about all the, what I can only describe as Jeremy Kyle style guests in this country, are they not english, are the, admittedly not as many as the press makes out, young kids causing trouble not English?
Finally you say “rejecting secular attempts to place same sex partners into the context of either” it’s 2010, there is nothing wrong with same sex relationships and they should be allowed the same rights as different sex relationships because they are the same. They are two people, in love.
Your party, and others like you are the real hate preachers, you push lies about minorities without realising that in actual fact you are the minority. Most people of England are good honest people, be they from this country or not, yet day in and day out they have hate pushed down their throat from you and the british press.
They are willing to help out their fellow man and would happily see the hate pushers gone.
If you hate the way this country is going then why don’t you leave instead, believe me we’d be much better off without that the bile that spews out from party.
There are many brilliant things about this country such as queuing, complaining, the pint, our constant failures as a country but inherent optimism that it will be ok and tea.
But most of all this country is known for its tolerance which is the best thing of all and I love it.

Thanks for coming back, it makes me feel good when I see the line graph go up more than usual.

Good Start April 19, 2010

I feel quite good apart from aching feet.

So yesterday I went on another mahousive walk, this time 6 hours although I dragged my younger brother along with me, and I can tell you there is nothing funnier than turning round to see an 11-year-old massively out of breath and barely able to walk.

Other than that it was pretty much a wasted weekend. I slept in saturday finally opening my eyes fully about two in the afternoon and by the time my brain kicked in it was pretty much too late to do anything so I had a geeky night of thrills and chills. As in Dr Who and then a horror film called The Messengers later on.

So Dr Who, I wasn’t sure on this episode, what with the whole mighty morphing power daleks. Obviously they had to change but the colours were just a bit to retro. Also what’s happened with their weight, it just makes me think that if they bring Davros back it will just be a hideously scarred Vanessa Feltz, actually scrap the hideously scarred part, it will just be Vanessa Feltz.

That just opens up the door for many more celebrity monsters, you could have Paul Daniels as a Sontaron, Anne Widdicombe as a Slitheen, or even Bruce Forsyth. Not as an existing monster, I just feel that he’s been alive for to long so he’s obviously not human. I reckon he’s sucking the life out of Tess Daly and that’s why she’s dead behind the eyes. And last of all Andrew Lloyd Webber, need I say more.

So overall it was an okay episode but not the best. More importantly WEEPING ANGELS NEXT WEEK!

So onto The Messengers, a horror starring Kirsten Stewart, or her off of Twilight or as I call it “That which I have happily avoided”. It wasn’t bad. It made me jump, there was an evil little boy, a bloke got stabbed by a garden fork, and there were lots of crows.

It’s about a family that have just moved into this old and really creepy looking house after some traumatic accident, although I can’t quite remember what that accident was, but soon after moving into this house the crows start going crazy and the two kids begin to see these evil little dead people. All culminating in the farm hand going mental, I won’t spoil it but there is a twist. If you like dodgy horrors then  give it a watch.

*

So the news is getting exciting, lets all talk about the ash cloud. I’ve been enjoying it, as have most people I speak to, everyone’s happy to look up in the sky and not see plane trails, and I hope, as Fiona Bruce just hinted on the news, that there is a second wave of ash coming.

I’m sure it must be devastating being stuck on holiday and having your excuse not to go back to work on the news. Psst, who noticed the sarcasm.

And now, the best news of the week which has had me happy since it happened. After Nick Cleggs brilliant performance on The Debate Factor the Liberal Democrats have shot up the polls and seem to be rising everyday. Lets just hope this carries on, and possibly, if well all work really hard and make sure everyone we know is going to vote Lib Dem and everyone they know and so on then we could get them into power.

Britains Got Nothing April 17, 2010

So Britain’s Got Talent, ITV’s ratings winner, is back. What better prize than winning the chance to perform in front on an unelected sponge.

So the judges are back, Ant and Dec are back, and so are the baying mob, sorry I mean audience, because we all know there is nothing better than having 3000 people booing a mentally challenged person, poor Amanda Holden it’s not her fault she can’t act, present, sing, dance, blink, frown, perform circus tricks, grate cheese, eat an apple, put on a pair of gloves……..(a list of 4000 acts deleted due to space)……stroke a hippo, walk up stairs or show sincerity.

After watching the first 10 minutes I already feel dead inside so I hope you all know that I’m doing it for you. Just now I watched a woman doing something unspeakable to a penguin, why do people actually watch this, how thick do you have to be to actually think yes this is what I want to do with my saturday night, watch people who shouldn’t be allowed a massive audience given just that. They may aswell just put John Gaunt and Kelvin McKenzie on stage and let them talk for an hour.

Ok calm now just saw the advert with the laughing babies.

Oh good, here’s Kevin Cruise the stereotypical middle-aged, slightly over weight, spray tanned,  gay man in a gold sequined shirt and sailor cap, makes you proud to be British don’t it, and Kevin the word is fucking not flipping. This is the type of act that if it was a character comedian it would actually be funny but he seems to genuinely do this for a living, and the idiots in the audience love him. Although he did get Pierce Morgan to say “I would go out cruising with you anytime”, well we all knew you liked Simon but now you want Kevin aswell, you naughty man.

Now after one full act you know what we need, that’s right .

MONTAGE!

Australian goth, oh hula hoops, how entertaining for a ten-year old or an ITV audience. Josh, a dancing child, he just looks like he’s having some form of epileptic fit and Simon see’s a little bit of himself in him, well I’m not gonna make the joke. The Ruby Girls, the resident whorey dance group, it’s like Germain Greer did nothing. And end with a bit of friendly conversation between the judges.

END OF MONTAGE!

Tobias Meed, I’m gonna assume that’s how you spell his name. Wow his story is like Billy Elliot’s, his dad wanted him to be a footballer but he said “no dad, I’m going to be a dancer”.  Backwards hat, well we know he’s cool then. I never get pop locking, it’s good to do for a bit of a song but not the whole thing. I’m sorry for being angry I just find it hard not be. Yeah Pierce has seen dancing like that before because he always hangs around in the cool joints like the Fonze, ayyyy. I’m just happy he had a reason for backwards hood, I just assumed I’d missed the new youth craze.

Louis Walsh is here, who is Pierce going to suck up to, oh Louis that’s right.

Michael Lavender, an animal impressionist, I honestly can’t wait till he starts(that may have been a lie). Well that was over quick, bye.

What next though.

MONTAGE!

A shit stand up comedian with 1970’s material, a bag piper and his mother who both looked like they were going to explode, David Churcher reading a poem, what banality that was. At least we got to see Louis press his button

END OF MONTAGE!

Chloe, 10 years old, we all love child singers(that was another lie, I’m so naughty). She’s singing Vera Lynn, it’s almost as if her parents may have pushed her into this. Stage school hand by her side and a wobbly voice, she’s sure to move people to tears, and yes, she’s achieved getting that odd look from Amanda Holden when she enjoys something. It’s like the look of a serial killer who’s just killed someone and started to regret even though they know they will kill again. And she’s through with the Camp Rock song playing in the background, well I hope they’re happy they made another child cry.

Tina and Chandy, a woman with a slightly unhealthy relationship with her dog. Although that is one hell of a good-looking dog, I would if it wasn’t for the fact that I’d be cheating on mine. I actually love this and I’m not lying, I’m a sucker for a good dancing dog and this one rocks.  This is the first act that I actually liked even though I know I shouldn’t. My dogs shit, she’s asleep.

GENERIC IRISH MONTAGE WITH BEWITCHED IN THE BACKGROUND!

So a man dresses as a leprechaun not actually sure what the act is yet they let him through

END OF GENERIC IRISH MONTAGE WITH BEWITCHED IN THE BACKGROUND!

Oh and Simon’s back, thank god for that. I bet someone will press the buzzer, oh they did how hilarious! “My name is Simon Cowell and I am crushing any sign of culture in this country”

Psst the answer’s A but shhh don’t tell anyone because it’s a really challenging question.

Paul Hunt, 40 years old and an accounts clasnorrrrrrr urgh sorry what I drifted off there. Oh and he’s gonna burp, a step up from Methane Man. Pointless, didn’t even do a song.

Kieron, a tiny drummer, who really want’s to do it with his mum and dad. His words not mine. After walking on stage Amanda shouted “Oh my god is that that little boy”, why, what did you do to him! Looks as though someone should have left the parents at home. Jesus someone do something, you can’t have 10 seconds of absolute silence on an entertainment programme. I’m writing this before it happens, I bet they ask the boy to come back and do it alone.  Oh I am on fire tonight.

Kieron is back after an ad break, let’s see him whack some skin. Drum skin you perverts. Close your eyes and it’s like a mini Stomp, I’m hoping to open them and see the large guy come out with a match box. There’s just something not quite right about the gurning, it’s as if he’s remembering something that his drum teacher did to him a long time ago because he played a wrong…beat, rhythm, I’m not sure of the word. Well again they have put him through, let’s see them destroy him again by not letting him get through to the finals. These people really are heartless bastards.

Well that’s episode one out of the way, come back next week for more of my jovial posting. Thanks for reading.

I Really Wanna See Your Voting Fingers April 14, 2010

So the election has been announced, the manifestos have been released and the debates are set to begin. Let me be the first to say that I’m genuinely excited.

There is a lot of talk around about people being uninterested and disillusioned by it but I can’t see this, wherever I go people are talking about the election and in many cases being concerned about the fact that the Conservatives may get in. Yes, this is a bad thing and I would very much like to make this post about everything that is wrong with them and their hardback copy of the daily mail that they released yesterday, but alas that would not be light-hearted enough.

After much deliberation I have finally settled on voting Liberal Democrat. I was going to tactically vote Labour but then after some serious thought my mind went for intelligent idea of fuck it I want Lib Dem and I want them now.

Okay, so Nick Clegg doesn’t appear to have much of a personality, seriously I have tried so hard to find one I just can’t, but it doesn’t detract away from the main points of the party that are there and have been there for several years

Labour and conservative, or Consavour as I like to call them(oooh satire, get me). I’ll stop there, I don’t actually have an end to this sentence I just wanted to use Consavour. That’s it for the general election and now a short piece on my local MP.

Now I’m not going to name him so let’s just say he is called Bib Sponk(shh just reverse the vowels) has been my local MP for many years now, previously Conservative he has since left the party and become an Independent because he didn’t like the direction that the Conservatives were leaning. This being the time when the Conservatives started to lean slightly towards the middle ground, so he decided no that’s not right-wing enough for me and decided to leave.

After doing some searching I found out some things that he voted on, and what an interesting read that was. He voted strongly against equal gay right, he voted strongly for the Iraq war, he voted mildly for an investigation into the Iraq war, voted strongly against the hunting ban and mildly for the smoking ban. What a prick.

He also didn’t bother voting on the recent Digital Economy Bill, I questioned him on why he didn’t feel the need to vote and I got back a rather shit explanation of an email and oh look, here it is… 

I am totally against this bill but it was passed through by both the Tory and Labour parties by their agreement which I was totally against and made this very clear to their Whips.  But it was a done deal.  So by all means vote against me and let the Tories win here, they’d be delighted and see it as commendation for their work on this Bill.

 Their action was anti democratic, the parties conspired yet again to do it in the face of public opposition.

 Please send them a message by voting for me and Independent with the best work rate including voting rate by the way of ALL 647 MPs.

 This is the only way to send Tories and labour a message.  Otherwise we will get more of the same.

 And will you allow my poster please?  I would put it up and take it down no work needed from you.  If you really do care about democracy and the carve-up the Tories did to push the Bill through.

Now I’m not massively clever but surely if all the independents who didn’t vote, and all the Lib Dems who didn’t vote had voted then surely that bill would not have been pushed through.

So yeah, vote Lib Dem!

Feeling Healthy April 11, 2010

Today I forced myself to get up early and went for a 3 hour walk and, strangely enough, I feel better for it.

I’ve got to that stage where I realise I need to lose some weight and get myself into some form of okay shape, just to give myself a little bit of self-esteem, so I thought the best way to do that would be to start of exercising properly by taking a walk. A walk which I will definitely be doing again next week.

After tumbling out of bed at 10 this morning it took me a while to get my brain in gear. You know what I’m talking about, it happens to everyone most mornings. That point where you sit slumped on the edge of your bed, with your lips jutting forward in a cavemanesque fashion. It took me half an hour to even think about going out.

After finally getting the energy together I finally packed up my bottle of drink, made the night before I might add, I’m like Ray Mears I am, always prepared, although I don’t look like a 12-year-old boy, and headed out, but not before grabbing my coat due to the clouds that had formed over my house. This was a mistake though as five minutes later all the clouds had gone and I was left holding my coat in the beautiful sun shine.

Headphones in and the country park beckoned. I do love country parks because they are the only places where people actually smile at you and say hello, especially when, inevitably, one of their dogs runs up to you and looks at you with its stroke me eyes, and there is always such odd breeds of dogs that you see than when you just walk round the streets.

Midway through walking up one hill I looked to the top and just began wishing there would be a bench at the top, and I was happy to see the beginnings of a bench forming over the top of the hill. This bench has now become my favourite bench of all time, not just because I needed it after the hill which was a lot harder to walk up that it looked, but because of the message engraved on it. “Doris H. Stood here and wished there was a seat” Although it did make me think that maybe she’d had a heart attack on that spot. The only message that would have been better than that would have been “Alfred G. Kneeled here cottaging and wished there was a seat”

After another half hour of walking I had the delight of another hill, but at the top of this was another treat. COWS!! That’s right, they’re that good they deserved two exclamation marks, I know what your thinking in your mind “Please tell me, did you get a picture of the cows, please tell me you did?”

Of course I did. Although that first one scared me as it’s eyes followed me as I passed it and then I had to climb over one of the fences with the horizontal slots of wood. I’m not sure what they’re called but I’m sure they designed by someone who hates the elderly, believe me I had to wait several minutes for an old couple to get over while I had to do the polite smile and laugh along with them in a way that’s like, cor who woulda thought it ay, while thinking I hate you, why aren’t you in a home. Back to the cow though, it just watched me climb and really thought he was waiting for the right moment to just charge and crush my leg.

The second cow is my friend though, I named him Constantinople.

Finally after another half hour of walking I decided to make the trek back home. It was the most uneventful end to a walk of my life, plus it was mostly downhill so it went quite fast.

Next week I’m going on another walk, although I think I’m going to find somewhere else to go, vary it a bit.

Thanks for reading.

100 Greatest Stand Ups

I’m setting myself the easy challenge or writing about each comedian on this list.

I decided to write this blog a bit late so I’m starting at around 95, it’s just gonna be a line or two about each one, and in some cases probably just one offensive word.

96- Lee Hurst. Well this will be a great start, I’ve never seen any of his work but I have heard good things.

95- Jackie Mason. There’s nothing like a stand up comedian you can barely understand, but you have to give him credit for working so hard for so long. Maybe one year I’ll go see him, but probably I wont.

94- Arthur Smith, the type of person that you just want to go for a drink with and chat to all night. I’ve heard he does night tours of edinburgh during the fringe so I may have to go on one.

93- Rosanne Barr, she just reminds me of childhood so I love her. She always makes me laugh out loud.

92- Ken Dodd, I remember as a child my grandad playing me a cassette of the diddy men and I loved it. I would love to go see him one day, better book a week off though if he runs as long as they say.

91- Rik Mayall, he’s got balls I’ll give you that, he will go out of his way to make me laugh no matter how stupid it makes him look. Would be nice to see him doing more in front of the cameras now days.

90- Dick Gregory, I haven’t seen much of his work but I feel like I should look into it.

89- Shaun Hughes, I loved him on Buzzcocks but I’m never really sure whether I like his stand up, although the dancing with the pets routine always cracks me up.

88- Joe Pasquale, Fuck off you joke stealer! (See Stuart Lee 90’s Comedian)

87- Jethro, maybe if I was from the west country but he’s not for me, although just seeing that Bernard Manning doesn’t like him I now do.

86- Harry Enfield, brilliant in the 90’s but he isn’t for now. If you watch The Fast Show and Enfield and Chums now it just seems stale and unfunny.

(Ad-Break, just realised some of these are going to be basically nothing because I haven’t seen any of their stand up, ah well)

85- Dame Edna Everidge, probably the best character comedian, brave and ballsy, but she can get away with it.  Barry Humphries is a genius and has made such a well-rounded character that you could watch for hours.

84- Dave Spikey, he’s of that group of people who bore me, immensely.

83- Lenny Henry, now I could make a cheap joke about him and Dawn French splitting but I wont, although I realllllly want to. The thing with Lenny Henry is, like Harry Enfield, he made me laugh in the 90’s but he doesn’t now.

82- Bob Newheart, I don’t know who is, I apologise.

81- Tim Minchin, the best musical comedian around at the moment, he makes ginger cool, marriage look nice, canvas bags wonderful. Such a wonderdul piano player aswell, he sends chills down me when he plays.

80- Ronnie Corbett, the shit one from the two Ronnies. All I can say is why do the good die first.

79- Julian Clary, filth at it’s best, although not around as much these days, when ever you do see his stand up he is still as filthy as ever.

78- Ardal O’Hanlon, the charm of the irish all in one man. You can’t dislike him.

77- Emo Philips, I actually love this man so good, if you look on YouTube there is a full set from him in several parts. He makes me laugh so much that I normally cry while watching him.

76- Chic Murray, I honestly have no idea who this man is….so*whistles and swings leg….yeah.

75- Patrick Kielty, grrrrr, I’m not gonna swear about him I just don’t like him.

74- Bill Cosby, the funniest twitterer around. He’s like a black Williams Shatner.

73- Jim Davidson, CUNT.

72- Alexi Sayle, I just wish I’d got to see him when he was doing stand up, he would have scared me but it would have been a good scare.

71- Denis Leary, what I’ve seen I liked but I do need to see more.

70- Jenny Eclair, she is the type of woman who you know is just immensely cleverer than you and so is quite frightening.

69-Frankie Howerd, just wonderful and he went to early, as in I never got to see him.

68-Lily Savage, well she’s better than Paul O’Grady.

67-Demetri Martin,  I love clever comedy, and he is that at it’s best. Hopefully he will be at the fringe this year.

66-Mark Thomas, nearly the greatest political stand up there is, number one in this country for me anyway. Such a clever man, and I suggest reading Belching Out The Devil, very good book about coca cola.

65-Jason Manford, I don’t like much northern comedians, don’t know why I just don’t, but Jason Manford never fails to make me laugh, and even with one story make me wince massively.

64-Bob Monkhouse, my mum loves him, I don’t. Shame he dies though.

63-Phill Jupitus, although I’ve heard he isn’t very nice if you ever talk to him in public it still doesn’t detract from the fact that he is a very, very funny man.

62- Roy Chubby Brown, CUNT. Oh look there’s another one, and I’m sure there’s one more.

61-Steve Martin, would be nice to see more stand up from him, other than that I only like a few of his films.

60-Andy Kaufman, the bravest and probably craziest man in comedy, shame he died quite young.

59-Steve Coogan, well here’s yet another funny in the 90’s case. See recent tour sales for proof.

58-Graham Norton, the entertainment show bitch that we all forget is very funny. Of course he isn’t going to be rude on Dorothy, it’s half seven, what do you expect.

57-Joan Rivers, a very funny woman who surprisingly looks better with surgery than without.

56-Jerry Seinfeld, I hope I’m not alone with this, I’ve never found him funny.

55-Dave Allen, the greatest sit down comic ever, I could watch this man for hours. his style is just perfect and his material is spot on.

54-Paul Merton, he is a god in my eyes, and even though he is very funny he will always sit back and let others have a go when he is on panel shows.

53-Lenny Bruce, what little I have heard is brilliant.

52-Chris Addison, one of the clever new brand of comedians around, he is just perfect. Even his short lives sitcom Labrats was amazing, there is a site where you can watch every episode for free, when I find it, I’ll post the link.

51-Bernard Manning, CUNT!

50-Stephen Wright, dead pan comedy at it’s best.

49-Robert Newman, another brilliant political standup, a wonderfully clever man who I hope to eventually see at some stage.

48-Johnny Vegas, there is nothing like a comedian who will go to any lengths to get a laugh, no matter how uncomfortable he makes the audience.

47-Bob Hope, from what I’ve heard he’s a bit of a twat, and he seemed to make most of his money out of wars.

46-Dave Gorman, ah documentary comedy at it’s best, although I haven’t seen his current tour I’m sure it was as good as everything else he has done, and we all love a graph.

45-Frank Skinner, I like him when he did Baddiel and Skinner Unplanned, then I didn’t like him, but now I’ve begun to enjoy what he is doing at the moment. Anyone who plays a ukulele is fine by me.

44-Tommy Trinder, well Ross Nobles campaign didn’t work, but he jumped up a lot.

43-Alan Davies, more stand up is needed from him, the panel shows are good, Jonathan Creek is good, his stand up is great, give us more.

42-Rhod Gilbert stop shouting at me. I think your funny but please stop shouting at me.

41-Ed Byrne, such a hard-working comedian who hasn’t got the publicity he deserves, he should be much bigger than others who I’m sure are to follow, like number

40-Eddie Murphy, yeah everyone loves a homophobic man who doesn’t look after his own child.

39-Reginald D Hunter, a brilliantly funny act who’s careering is growing at the right speed for him to be massive in the future I hope.

38-Ben Elton, I’m just gonna leave this cause I will just go off on one about hypocrites.

37-Jasper Carrott, well we all love the nutter on the bus routine, just a shame about that terrible sitcom he did.

36-Tim Vine, fast paced and simple jokes, just a wonderful act who I feel would be tiring to see live but I still want to.

35-Russell Howard, I like him, I really do. Clever and rather handsome.

34-Omid Djalili, I don’t like him that much, I have tried to but it didn’t help.

33-Jerry Sadowitz, I need to see this man, and I love the fact he does magic to. Even though I hate magicians.

32-Tommy Tiernan, hey look, it’s him from beautiful people. I feel like I need to watch more of him.

31-Robin Williams, you can’t knock the man for his skill and I still love Mrs. Doubtfire.

30-Jo Brand is just a wonderfully funny comedian who has had an amazing career.

29-Frankie Boyle, massively offensive but massively funny. Although his column in The Sun just looks offensive because you can’t hear him saying it. Plus no one should write for The Sun, shame on him.

28-George Carlin, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, brilliant! Such a shame he died but his work won’t be forgotten.

27-Alan Carr, although it’s not normally the type of comedy I like, I love Alan Carr.

26-Jack Dee, he goes in and out of fashion like a yoyo but the point is he always comes back.

25-Al Murray is very funny and very clever, and if you understand what he’s doing it’s a lot funnier than taking it at face value.

24-Les Dawson, no one can badly play piano as good as him, and even his mother in law jokes weren’t to bad.

23-Daniel Kitson, I cannot wait until the fringe so I can see him live. Everything I hear about this man is nothing but praise and I feel the need to go and see what genius is.

22-Russell Brand, the proof that all publicity is good publicity, and who’s recent show was a brilliant and long-awaited answer to the storm that the media whipped up.

21-Lee Mack, his routine about glasses made me buy a thicker rimmed pair. That’s how powerful his stand up is.

20-And just like that it’s Tommy Cooper(Ha i’m hilarious), funny jokes, funny magic, funny hat.

19-Sean Lock, when his routines work they work wonderfully, but when they don’t they bomb.

18-Harry Hill, the surreal family comedian. His jokes are like an upbeat Milton Jones. Come to think of it, why is he not on the list?

17-Lee Evans, I’m bored Mr Evans think of something new, although your niece is a nice girl, went clubbing with her once.

16-Dara O’Brien once made me cry during a routine about Mr snuffleupagus, I was literally weeping for minutes.

15-Woody Allen, I understand he broke new ground but I still don’t find it funny

14-Dylan Moran, the most wonderful, charming man on the stand up circuit, and he has a smile which, although rarely seen, melts your heart. I never tire of watching him, a great comedian, and a great actor. Just wonderful.

13-Jimmy Carr, when I first saw him I honestly didn’t like him one bit, but he delivers things with such a style that I grew to love him.

12-Stewart Lee, I love him so much, I honestly cannot get enough of him. I could watch this man for hours. He doesn’t just fire out joke after joke, he essentially spoon feeds your perfectly crafted jokes.

11-Ross Noble, the ultimate king of instantaneous comedy. I am envious of the speed that his brain works and forms ideas.

10-Victoria Wood, all I will say is that she is a master songstress, and a funny woman and I cannot get enough of  “Let’s Do It”.

9-Michael McIntyre, I know this shouldn’t be the type of comedy I like but he has made me cry on many different occasions.

8-Chris Rock, my brothers favourite racist, and Shaun Hughes has it right when he said it is for middle class black americans.

7-Bill Bailey, probably the most succesful musical comedian, I urge you, if you’ve not seen his remarkable guide to the orchestra then search it out and watch it. It’s not just funny, it leaves you in awe at his genius to do something on that scale.

6-Peter Kay you aren’t funny. We all remember things now fuck off.  DO YOU REMEMBER AY AY CUSHIONS AY AY DO YOU REMEMBER AY AY DO YOU AY AY WHAT WERE THEY ABOUT AY AY YOU LEAN ON THEM AY AY! Imagine a biscuit falling in your tea, cor who would of thought. 

5-Eddie Izzard is a genius for making scripted material seem like it’s off the cuff, and also doing a show in France in french is just a wonderful thing to do.

4-Bill Hicks was a wonderfully intelligent man who cared about things and had enough brain power to convey these things in a perfect way. He will go down in history as one of the truly great and truly inspirational comedians in history. I just wish I was born earlier so I could have had the chance to see him in person. He shows how stand up comedy can be an art form and can be used to change things. He is my number one and never will anyone come close to him.

3-Ricky Gervais, you used to be good, what happened? I mean The Invention of Lying, what were you thinking? Although I didn’t like The Office (The American Office is so much better), your first two stand up shows were hilarious and then you came back with Fame, I don’t remember laughing once while watching that. I’ve not seen Science yet but let’s hope it’s back on form.

2-Richard Pryor, I feel ashamed to say all I have seen of his work is the films so I don’t really feel I should comment on his stand up, but I’ll give it a go. The bits I’ve seen were alright but I’m sure in full they’re much better.

1-Billy Connolly, well he’s held his spot at number one and what can I say. Well I can’t say a bad word about him because he kept me laughing throughout my childhood. From his folk songs to his comedy anything he does turns to gold. Even now I still occasionally find myself singing D.I.V.O.R.C.E. for no reason. Along with a few others it’s the screen saver for my brain.

Thank you for reading this massively long blog, from the word count it comes in as just over 2500 words, come back soon for a shorter post.

Sorry April 9, 2010

Sorry for the lack of posts, and the fact that I was going to post reviews, I just forgot how soul-destroying and mind numbing my place of work is. There’s nothing like packing boxes to destroy any creative potential for a day.

This post is going to consist of just quick summarys of the three things I was meant to review. To be honest I didn’t feel comfortable writing that review it just didn’t feel like I was writing anything good, if it was please correct me and I’ll try it again for other things, but for now let’s just catch up.

Ghost Stories

This was a brilliantly crafted and tantalizingly terrifying piece of theatre, and I urge you, if you get the chance, to go and see it. I can’t write about the plot as they ask you not to and I don’t want to spoil it for any potential viewers.

All I can say is that Jeremy Dyson(League Of Gentlemen) and Andy Nyman(Co creator of Derren Browns stage and television shows) bring this masterfully written piece to the stage in an effective way. I never though a theatre production would actually make me jump out of my chair and scream, and pretty much have me squeezing my arm with terror for the last 10 minutes.

Everything about this show was right, from the decorations of the theatre, to the stage, lighting, actors and even smell. Just everything. It was also very pleasing to see Nicholas Burns, of Nathan Barley and Man Stroke Woman fame, appear in the show.

Jonathan Creek

The Creek was back for Easter, but with a tenuous story.

Yes I know that is what Jonathan Creek has always been but this time it seemed a bit as if the writers had some straws in the room that were just out of reach. Even with the massively dodgy story it was still good to see it back on our screens.

Alan Davies always delivers a perfect portrayal of Jonathan Creek, and even though I know this it still delights me every time, and with Sheridan Smith returning for a second time it was sure to be another great episode. Here’s my main question about the episode though, and if anyone can answer this that would be just peachy. Why were they injecting the tree? I’m thinking it was just so the title made sense, although I may have just looked away from the screen for a moment and missed the explanation.

 Doctor Who.

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god! This was one of the best opening episodes of a Dr. Who series so far, even if the big eye was slightly less menacing when surrounded by that snow flake looking thing.

Since Christmas we have all been wondering the same thing. Will Matt Smith be any good? The answer, I’m very happy to say is yes, he will be a brilliant doctor. I can’t ever remember who the last guy was, David Plenant…Wenent…Pheasent…? Ah who cares, it’s all about Matt Smith now.

Immediately he took the torch and bought his own special little bit of magic to the role, and I’m not ashamed to say I got goose pimples when his transformation was completely and finally stepped through to say the immortal words of “Hello, I’m the doctor.”.

With Stephen Moffat at the helm this series is sure to be one of the best. Previously his episodes have always chilled me to bone, the weeping angels are, in my mind, a brilliant and simple idea, that was brilliantly made and massively creepy, leaving me, and I’m sure many others, slightly wary around statues.

He seems to have an intuitive way of making things that were scary in your child hood come to life, for example in the episode “Silence In The Library” he brings to life children’s fear of the dark, which I’m sure most people have when their young.

I hope that the rest of the series keeps up the joy that I felt while watching the first episode so that I can carry on in my geekdom.

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Thanks for reading this somewhat apologetic excuse for a blog, I shall try to keep this up as I feel massively disappointed.

Hope you enjoyed my quick summarisation, and there will hopefully be a lengthy post tomorrow about the next episode of Dr Who, or I may just write one about the nights television as a whole. For now I bid you all good night, unless your reading this in the morning in which case I say good morning, but for now I’m going to watch the end of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. Don’t dream it, be it!! Hell Yeah!!