So Britain’s Got Talent, ITV’s ratings winner, is back. What better prize than winning the chance to perform in front on an unelected sponge.
So the judges are back, Ant and Dec are back, and so are the baying mob, sorry I mean audience, because we all know there is nothing better than having 3000 people booing a mentally challenged person, poor Amanda Holden it’s not her fault she can’t act, present, sing, dance, blink, frown, perform circus tricks, grate cheese, eat an apple, put on a pair of gloves……..(a list of 4000 acts deleted due to space)……stroke a hippo, walk up stairs or show sincerity.
After watching the first 10 minutes I already feel dead inside so I hope you all know that I’m doing it for you. Just now I watched a woman doing something unspeakable to a penguin, why do people actually watch this, how thick do you have to be to actually think yes this is what I want to do with my saturday night, watch people who shouldn’t be allowed a massive audience given just that. They may aswell just put John Gaunt and Kelvin McKenzie on stage and let them talk for an hour.
Ok calm now just saw the advert with the laughing babies.
Oh good, here’s Kevin Cruise the stereotypical middle-aged, slightly over weight, spray tanned, gay man in a gold sequined shirt and sailor cap, makes you proud to be British don’t it, and Kevin the word is fucking not flipping. This is the type of act that if it was a character comedian it would actually be funny but he seems to genuinely do this for a living, and the idiots in the audience love him. Although he did get Pierce Morgan to say “I would go out cruising with you anytime”, well we all knew you liked Simon but now you want Kevin aswell, you naughty man.
Now after one full act you know what we need, that’s right .
Australian goth, oh hula hoops, how entertaining for a ten-year old or an ITV audience. Josh, a dancing child, he just looks like he’s having some form of epileptic fit and Simon see’s a little bit of himself in him, well I’m not gonna make the joke. The Ruby Girls, the resident whorey dance group, it’s like Germain Greer did nothing. And end with a bit of friendly conversation between the judges.
END OF MONTAGE!
Tobias Meed, I’m gonna assume that’s how you spell his name. Wow his story is like Billy Elliot’s, his dad wanted him to be a footballer but he said “no dad, I’m going to be a dancer”. Backwards hat, well we know he’s cool then. I never get pop locking, it’s good to do for a bit of a song but not the whole thing. I’m sorry for being angry I just find it hard not be. Yeah Pierce has seen dancing like that before because he always hangs around in the cool joints like the Fonze, ayyyy. I’m just happy he had a reason for backwards hood, I just assumed I’d missed the new youth craze.
Louis Walsh is here, who is Pierce going to suck up to, oh Louis that’s right.
Michael Lavender, an animal impressionist, I honestly can’t wait till he starts(that may have been a lie). Well that was over quick, bye.
What next though.
A shit stand up comedian with 1970’s material, a bag piper and his mother who both looked like they were going to explode, David Churcher reading a poem, what banality that was. At least we got to see Louis press his button
END OF MONTAGE!
Chloe, 10 years old, we all love child singers(that was another lie, I’m so naughty). She’s singing Vera Lynn, it’s almost as if her parents may have pushed her into this. Stage school hand by her side and a wobbly voice, she’s sure to move people to tears, and yes, she’s achieved getting that odd look from Amanda Holden when she enjoys something. It’s like the look of a serial killer who’s just killed someone and started to regret even though they know they will kill again. And she’s through with the Camp Rock song playing in the background, well I hope they’re happy they made another child cry.
Tina and Chandy, a woman with a slightly unhealthy relationship with her dog. Although that is one hell of a good-looking dog, I would if it wasn’t for the fact that I’d be cheating on mine. I actually love this and I’m not lying, I’m a sucker for a good dancing dog and this one rocks. This is the first act that I actually liked even though I know I shouldn’t. My dogs shit, she’s asleep.
GENERIC IRISH MONTAGE WITH BEWITCHED IN THE BACKGROUND!
So a man dresses as a leprechaun not actually sure what the act is yet they let him through
END OF GENERIC IRISH MONTAGE WITH BEWITCHED IN THE BACKGROUND!
Oh and Simon’s back, thank god for that. I bet someone will press the buzzer, oh they did how hilarious! “My name is Simon Cowell and I am crushing any sign of culture in this country”
Psst the answer’s A but shhh don’t tell anyone because it’s a really challenging question.
Paul Hunt, 40 years old and an accounts clasnorrrrrrr urgh sorry what I drifted off there. Oh and he’s gonna burp, a step up from Methane Man. Pointless, didn’t even do a song.
Kieron, a tiny drummer, who really want’s to do it with his mum and dad. His words not mine. After walking on stage Amanda shouted “Oh my god is that that little boy”, why, what did you do to him! Looks as though someone should have left the parents at home. Jesus someone do something, you can’t have 10 seconds of absolute silence on an entertainment programme. I’m writing this before it happens, I bet they ask the boy to come back and do it alone. Oh I am on fire tonight.
Kieron is back after an ad break, let’s see him whack some skin. Drum skin you perverts. Close your eyes and it’s like a mini Stomp, I’m hoping to open them and see the large guy come out with a match box. There’s just something not quite right about the gurning, it’s as if he’s remembering something that his drum teacher did to him a long time ago because he played a wrong…beat, rhythm, I’m not sure of the word. Well again they have put him through, let’s see them destroy him again by not letting him get through to the finals. These people really are heartless bastards.
Well that’s episode one out of the way, come back next week for more of my jovial posting. Thanks for reading.