Working Things Out

My comments on the odd things that happen in this world

Me Man And Man Make Cry July 12, 2011

Filed under: Film,General,Television — terrygreene182 @ 2:24 am

On the 12th of July I cried for 15 minutes.

What made this happen? The film Marley and Me. It’s not even that great a film but there’s something about defenceless creatures that get’s my tear ducts leaking profusely down my cheeks.

I can still remember the first film that ever really made me cry, it’s not Bambi as is most people’s standard tear-jerker moment from childhood, but was in fact “Homeward Bound”.

Yes that’s right, Homeward Bound. Essentially a film about 2 dogs and a cat going on a hiking holiday and being held hostage by nature. Think The River Wild but with animals instead, pesky porcupines and a meddlesome moose. (Don’t judge me on the alliteration, I’m sure you couldn’t have resisted it either.)

I haven’t seen this film in quite some time, yet I’m sure that if I watch it anytime soon it will still reduce me to tears. Just the thought of that golden retriever not appearing over the top of that hill makes me worry every time I watch it. What if someones snuck into my house with their own alternative ending to the film where Shadow dies by that train track, and what if they’ve painstakingly spent all night cutting this alternative ending onto my video so that the next time I watch it I don’t get the elation of seeing him slowly appear, instead I just get the depression of a harmless dogs death. Although saying this makes me wonder, surely if you’ve got an alternative ending you would also have in your possession a full video edit containing this alternative ending, so why did you spend the night slicing and dicing my video, why not just swap them over. I’m hardly going to notice that you’ve stolen my version until the end, and at this point it’s to late because you’ve already achieved what you wanted to. Jesus, think it through next time will you!

Enough of my Homeward Bound obsession anyway. That’s not even the most embarrassing tearful film story.

A little fun game for the middle of the blog, I’ll give you a quick quote and you have to guess the film before you read the next sentence. OK, everyone clear on the rules? Good, here we go then.

To infinity and beyOH DEAR GOD, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO ENDDD!!!

Sorry about that, I couldn’t even write the quote without bringing back the terrible emotions from that fateful day.

It started off as quite a good day, I was being the kindly elder brother and taking my 12-year-old brother(remember that age) to the cinema to see a couple of films. I knew I was taking him to see Toy Story 3 but I thought while there I might as well introduce him to something good so managed to get Scott Pilgrim Vs The World in first. Great film, go watch it.

Anyway, I sat there, for pretty much fiery pit onwards, audibly weeping, while my 12 YEAR OLD brother sat there smiling his head off having the time of his life. If anything is going to make you feel less of a man weeping at a childs film while a child sits there as happy as Jeremy Vine on election night when he gets to play with the green screen.

The most annoying thing about this instance of crying is that I wasn’t even that big a fan of the first two films in the Toy Story franchise. I’d only seen the first film about 3, maybe 4 times, and amazingly at that point had never fully seen the second film( I later discovered the reason for that, it isn’t very good). I have since seen the first two films about 10 times each, so now that I actually feel something for these characters it just makes the end of number 3 harder. I truly feel for the young dads who had grown up with Toy Story and loved it more than me and had to take their children to see the third in the trilogy as they must have been wailing. At least I just wept….losers.

Marley and Me started this blog and Marley and Me is going to end it.

Why would Channel Four show this on a sunday night, no one is out on a sunday night so if your watching this film, your watching it with other people, you don’t have a choice. Also starting a film like this at 8pm means that you have to let the kids stay up to watch the last hour, meaning, if you have a wife and children, there are at least three people there to watch you cry your eyes out for twenty minutes.

As I mentioned earlier it’s not even that good a film, I liked it yes, but from the start of the film I knew that John Grogan had just set out to lure people in with this loveable story of a boisterous and loveable dog before leaving you to weep while the credits rolled, or if you read the book, while you flicked through those last 5 blank pages which are always inexplicably at the back of every book.

My point to this blog, although yes I’ll admit for this point to make sense you need to ignore everything I have written before, is that crying is a good thing. It’s cathartic and is needed every now and then. Just make sure you do it hidden away somewhere from the general public because I catch you crying all you’ll get from me is an awkward pat on the back and the words “there there, never mind”.

Now let’s all just say “Awwww look at the cute little doggy!!!”

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Britains Got Stendhal Syndrome May 15, 2010

Filed under: General,Review,Television — terrygreene182 @ 8:13 pm

It’s real, give it a google.

Remember kids, the competition is still open. Just leave an illness in the comments on any of the Britains Got…. blogs and I will choose my favourite for the final and that person will win a mystery prize. I say mystery, it’s just not been decided yet but I promise it will be something good. So get your thinking caps on and send m your best efforts. You can enter as much as you like.

Anyway, the time is upon again so here we go for an hour of vacuous nothingness with the possibility of some talent on the horizon, once we get past the intro that is. I feel we need a crap joke.

Taking to the stage first this week is Marlene, 62, from Bournemouth and she’s going to sing us a little song. From the look of her I’m expecting some music hall-style songs, but alas it’s not. She just ends up sounding like a karaoke night at a holiday camp but she was fun. To watch that is, not be around. If that happened I would have to smash her face in with a brick.

MONTAGE TIME!

Ryan giving us a little rendition of You Raise Me Up, well we all try to sing along when it’s on so why not give it a go in front of a large audience.

Jamie Harding, in a purple body suit, giving us a little dad rocker dancing and baring ALL to the world.

Pucker Productions, at last an amateur production group compan….oh they’re gone.

END OF MONTAGE!

Alan James, the rejected member of ZZ Top, saying he “saw Top Of The Pops on the radio” no explanation needed, and thank god he is singing a song that he wrote himself. Oh this is a heartbreaking song, and all you can see coming through is years of constant rejection as he sidles up to them in bars, twiddling his moustache and begins with his opening gambit of “I’m wearing my National Lottery undies. Push the button and release the balls!”

Josh Barry, 16 years old, and a student, sponging bastard. I don’t pay for you to go on talent shows, wow I’m really getting into this Tory government. Singing a classic, which I have never heard anyone sing badly which leads me to think that no one can sing this badly, even with hair that bad, I can’t comment mine is constantly a mess but I don’t put myself forward for national ridicule.

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MONTAGE!

Mystica? maybe, belly dancing without bellies, yet still somehow through.

Julia? I’m not getting any of these names, and her act is performing the BBC ident from several years ago.

Again I missed the name, but essentially it’s a less complicated diversity. Now one quick point, Amanda says there were real glimpses of genius in their act. Did I miss Ben Goldacre while I was looking down.

END OF MONTAGE!

Twist and Pulse are next, looking like the two bullied members of “the cool kids” gang, and their going t give us a little dance. With a timely reminder of The Cheeky Girls which just brings back the thought of why! But it was funny at points but in the end with all of these new pop locking dances, I sound middle-aged, it’s just moving in a jolty style. Essentially they could just put someone with epilepsy onto the stage and make them have a fit to get the same result.

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MONTAGE!

The something poets society, with much and fish. This  is when cross breeding goes wrong.

THAT WAS A SHIT MONTAGE!

Mark James, dressed as the Phantom of The Opera, to show people that he is good at what he does. Im worried, there are a number of things I’m good at but I’m pretty sure they would be illegal to put on a stage and national television. Oh he’s doing a half and half song, I remember when I first saw one of these, it was good. Then I saw another one, it wasn’t so good. Having just checked Twitter I see that many people are showing a lot of love to the contestants. I feel so alone.

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So now we have a female Diversity called Ice. I say female I can see a male there. I understand that this sort of dancing is impressive but there’s a time and a place for it and that was last year. I’m going to stop writing about this act because I will just get angry and lose a lot of readers. Okay I’m going to say a bit more. How can Simon Cowell say he doesn’t like it when people are coached. Has he never seen the X Factor! He’s made his career out of coaching people to sing horrible shit, the beaver headed cunt. Ahem, rant over.

Paul Burling, doing some impressions for us. Let’s see how up to date they are, I’m expecting Les Dennis up to date. Oh I’m pleasantly surprised that he’s begun with a Harry Hill impression, and then the cartoon impressions came out. I wish I was easily pleased because I would have found that entertaining, unfortunately I’m a bit of a comedy snob, if your going to impressions then make them real people. So he’s through and my faith in humanity is destroyed, I miss natural selection.

That’s all folks HAHAHAHAHA I’M SO FUCKING FUNNY, I DID A BUGS BUNNY IMPRESSION HAFUCKINGHAHA!

Ahem, sorry I don’t know what came over. Goodbye for now.

 

Turn That Frown Upside Down. May 11, 2010

Filed under: Comedy,General,Television — terrygreene182 @ 10:09 pm

And I’m back, after almost a week of no posts I felt I’d better poke my head above ground, but what with the election I have been either busy, or tired. Seriously, massively and literally(bet  you’ve seen that used in the right context in a while) tired.

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I feel that I need to tell you all something before I go on to the main chunk of this blog. A pensioner stayed awake longer than me. That’s it, breathe in and settle yourself. David Dimbleby is a god. He spent 17 hours on TV and I had to sleep for 5 of them, I say sleep, it was a drunken stupor. And can I just say I have never felt more British than when I woke up, put on some shorts and a hoodie with the hood up, rocking from foot to foot. headache pulsing, eyes not fully open due to the hangover, jaw hanging open, while I looked at the television to see the queen while some classical music played in the background. And that my friends, is what it means to be British.

*

So it’s been a big day which has left a lot of people with a sour taste in their mouth, but don’t worry I’m here to cheer you up with a specially written letter, which is probably in slightly bad taste but I’m sure it will raise a smile.

Any persons mentioned in the next piece are completely fictional and anything they share with real people is completely by coincidence even if it is spot on life.

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A letter from Captain Birdseye to the World.

Dear The World,

Hello there, it’s me Captain Birdseye. I know it’s been a while but I’ve spent a lot of time in Cambodia of late doing sunbathing and all that.

I just wanted to say sorry for, you know, taking your kids and all that. Maybe I should have found a proper crew for my ship but what with shipping duties, I just couldn’t afford to pay them so I felt the best way was to just steal all the children off the Isle Of Wight, but it was for their own good really, I gave them thumbs.

All the kids were fed well, with plenty of omega 3. I even showed them where fish hide their fingers, just under the third gill from the top on the left, but don’t tell anyone.

Okay they may have all died on our final voyage but it was worth it. I finally managed to find the mythical waffle, and besides you have to forgive me for anything I’ve ever done now because I’ve got cancer like that Jade Goody, yeah that’s right. Also my agent, Max Clifford, has asked me to say that I would very much like you to respect my privacy, but I will be releasing daily updates even if there is no change, but it’s ok, it’s not sick because I’m doing it for the children, so that’s alright then.

Hugs and Kissed, Captain Birdseye.

 

General Election, More Like Genital Erection. May 2, 2010

Filed under: Newspapers,Politics,Review,Television — terrygreene182 @ 10:54 pm

(If you don’t want to read about politics please see last paragraph as I need your help)

Yeah that’s right, I’m like a walking, talking Carry On… film.

So the race is on, well it has been for nearly a month now but we’re heading into the final week so I stand by that statement, the race is on. Originally it was basically a choice between Labour and the Conservatives but the debates blew that wide open and we are no longer in a(ready for the cliché) two-horse race. The Liberal Democrats came out looking like a breath of fresh air after the first debate, and although admittedly losing a bit of steam, still seem like they could pull something out of the bag at the last-minute and win the vital votes.

So, it’s time to play…Who wants to be our next prime-minister?

Will it be Gordon Brown, with the look of a brown bear balloon that’s slowly deflating, if it wasn’t for that smile there would just be nothing pleasant about him demeanour, but that’s not what we should be looking for in our PM.  It’s the voice we should want! Seriously, get a little portable radio and listen to him speak, he sent tingles down my spine with his smooth voice.

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Or maybe it could be David Cameron, with his slick hear, slick forehead, and massively prosthetic looking chin. I’m not sure what’s happened to him during this campaign but he just seems to be getting weirder looking, and impossibly shiny. He even came out with a fake tan at one point which was mysteriously gone the next day. But as for his voice, well I’ve never felt my skin crawl that fast than when I first heard him speak.

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But there is always the possibility that we could get the one, the only, Nick Clegg. After spending months in obscurity, which I’ll come onto later(If I don’t remind me), he shot up the polls after just one debate, maybe it was the polices, or maybe it was the nonchalant way he stood, hand in pocket, not a hair out-of-place, looking all handsome with his yellow tie, and confident smile, and just let the other two bicker between themselves before he set out his plans, which were generally well received.

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Of course this election is about who looks and sounds the best, but about policies so later on this week before the election I shall get onto that subject. As well as the press coverage and, realising I only have 3 days and then it’s vote time, who and why I am voting for. Let’s see if you can guess before, I’m sure it’s not obvious already.

I do need your help though. This will be the first general election where I’ve been old enough to vote and to care so naturally I shall be staying up with channel four on the television and BBC on the laptop to watch the coverage, luckily having managed to get friday off from work. So what I need your help with is a little game I will be playing which I’m sure many others shall also be playing. I call it “Drink-a-long-a-Dimbleby”, simple rules, every time David Dimbleby says a certain word of phrase I take a drink, but I need help to think up what this word or phrase should be. I’ve had a few ideas but I feel if I go with constituencies I’ll be on the floor by midnight. So please send your suggestions this way and stay up with me on Twitter or Facebook for a night of political fun times.

 

Britains Got Glaucoma April 25, 2010

Filed under: Review,Television — terrygreene182 @ 1:47 am

Hello, and welcome back to my weekly edition of Britain’s Got… Each week I bring you a hateful look at the vacuousness of ITV. I may well carry on this weekly feature once this has finished just ripping into much of the ITV schedule but for now it’s just this.

Sorry for the lateness this week but I was out being sociable so I’m now watching the repeat.

Here we go, tense music begins, Ant and Dec look ‘ard, crowd appears and we see the last weeks. This is Britain’s(drum beat) Got(drum beat) Talent(drum beat). I can hardly wait.

On a side I’ve not put enough milk in my hot chocolate.

So the first act is Christine, 51 from Leeds, with a mouth that appears to be pulled down at the sides by string when she speaks, either that or she’s having a stroke on both sides. Well it looks like she’s taken my advice from twitter earlier in the week, cheers yourself up if your down by doing a little moonwalk. And oh, Piers Morgan tries a joke and 20 people laugh, you know we are now going to see a one man show of Piers Morgan doing a Frank Sinatra style show.

Christine, as always being the first act shown, didn’t get through, meaning we now have to see….

FAILURE MONTAGE

Girl playing guitar with a pogo stick, and by playing i mean strumming no chords as she holds the stick between her, well i could go crude but I’ll say legs.

Singing bodybuilder, seemingly not building for that long but with that voice he may aswell go to America and sing many a country song for literally pounds.

Tits, bad singing, fire, and a warning from Dec, well that’s a definite no…wait, two yes’ are you people mental!

END OF FAILURE MONTAGE

Here comes Stevie, the regurgitator who I’m pretty sure I’ve seen before, and he, like the fire lady, gets a warning, but don’t worry it’s from Ant this time, mixing it up a little are we ITV just to keep me watching. This bloke is strange but you have to admit, it’s fucking impressive, I want to see him win and then die on stage in front of the queen. So they put him through, yes I’ll agree it was fascinating but it’s going to be the same act every time surely, but it’s okay there’s a sob story, I often swallow things I don’t want people to steal, my Iphones currently resting on top of my pancreas.

Now we’re back from the break with a guitar playing dog, I for one am fucking excited! I have never seen Cowell’s face light up like that with the thought of what is about to happen. And now she’s ruined it by not letting the dog  start. Ok the dog not really being bothered just wanting to shut the woman up. Right now I want to just shake that woman and say “NO, NO!” and hit her on the nose with a newspaper. Shockingly she’s not through, the one good thing Simon Cowell has ever done.

But you know what this means

ANIMAL MONTAGE!

Star the pig, wandering off stage and attacking Ant. I’m sure we’re all thinking the same thing. PUT THE PIG THROUGH!!

Neil and his snail racing, nothing happens, there’s not even any jokes. Lets just hope one day the snails rise up against him and kill him in some snail way, maybe slime up his throat.

Dancing horse girl, oh it’s shitting on the stage, it’s like blue peter. Hahaha a horse is doing a bodily function, it’s hilarious teehee hoohoo hahhah. *note sarcasm

END OF ANIMAL MONTAGE

The Arrangement, who’s lead singer looks like the lead singer of G4 but slightly traumatized, maybe just after a vicious gang rape involving Louis Walsh, Simon Cowell, brian freedman, and Danni Minogue with her giant cock. Well where else do you think the rest of her skin went. Oh it’s a medley, with a good singer this could be good. I have to admit I feel this is the one show that I will like this week, with a few more lessons he could sing better, but the band were good, and Pokerface was a genius end to the performance.

Question time, this is always fun. What they should do with this is just put the people who get it wrong in a room and get people to pay to poke them with a stick. Roll up, roll up, come see the dumb, marvel at their inability to add, wonder at the lack of general knowledge, be transfixed by the way they believe anything written in the Sun, or as they call it My Sun(seriously they do, read the letters page, it’s hilarious).

Back in London and the judges are discussing their sleeping arrangements, well that’s an image I will never get rid of.

So now Lady Gaga’s better looking brother Max Oliver, singing, for the second time this episode, Pokerface, and doing a rather good impression of the Gaga, that not being hard due to the fact that she is a terrible dancer and cannot sing live. Simon asks “If we’ve already got Lady Gaga, why do we need you?” Well I would ask why do we need Lady Gaga. He still walks like a man though, I love people who drag up but still walk with that blokey gait.

So it’s acrobat time, and what better way to introduce them than with High School Musical. Jesus christ that child is 18! Ok I can’t mock this it’s amazing, that’s what talent is, the others need to learn. That was simply amazing, so amazing in act I’m going to use the line that get’s used on all these shows. That is what this competition is about. Just wow is all I can say.

So Chris, being pushed into this by his parents, well I feel we’re all expecting the same thing to happen, he will no doubt be terrible. Oh look it’s a Susan Boyle moment, wait for look from Amanda, you know the one with that look you get when your trying to force a fart out. Well he has a nice voice, but not something we haven’t all heard before, and those people on the balconies had better sit down before it crumbles and kills the people below. On second thoughts jump people on the balcony, jump! Obviously after that he is going through but at least Simon is being a little hard on him, how do you expect someone to get better without people telling them what to improve on. That’s why Amanda Holden is still shit at everything, I mean have you seen her knitting.

Well that’s it for this weeks edition, come back next week for more Britain’s Got Talent abuse, but before I leave you I have a little competition. If you can name a random disease you may well get it in the title and alongside that win a glorious prize. Leave suggestions on the comments and I shall pick a winner later in the week.

Thanks for reading.

 

Plan For The Week April 4, 2010

Filed under: Comedy,Film,General,Gigs,Television — terrygreene182 @ 10:23 pm

This week, along with all my normal ramblings that I know you all love so much, I’m going to be doing four reviews, hopefully if I can keep my mind on task these will be in-depth, well researched reviews, not like the Daily Mails(snigger snigger snigger).

Sorry, what’s that? Oh you want to know what I’m going to review, well get yourself a cup of tea, settle down with a blanket, and put your reading glasses on because I’m going to tell you in the next sentence. I shall be discussing(I feel that’s a better word for what I will no doubt write) the new film Kick Ass, the new Doctor Who, the new Jonathan Creek, and the been in the theatre for a month now Ghost Stories. I’ve seen each of these over the weekend and felt you all deserved the right to delve into my awkward mind.

Over this week, more than likely over the next four days, I am going to be posting up my musings about each of these subjects, and hopefully they’ll make some of you want to go and see Kick Ass and Ghost Stories, and if you haven’t seen the latter two, watch them on the BBC Iplayer.

This is just a short post for the day as I didn’t get to post yesterday, or the day before I think, but I’m looking forward to a good week of blogging, even though I’m back at work on Tuesday and have no more time off till August.

Thanks for reading.

 

Days Off March 27, 2010

Filed under: Comedy,General,Gigs,Television — terrygreene182 @ 5:38 pm

Since my last post I’ve had a couple of days off from doing anything that means I will have to use my brain, and again tonight, I shall be doing the same, but for now I best felt an update on what’s been hip hop and happening (I’m still down with the kids) was in order.

Soooo Thursday morning I woke up thinking “Cor blimey I can breathe” thinking I should get into charachter before I left for that there London. Yes, my cold, although still kind of there, had mostly gone, leaving me able to breathe through my nose, and to not need a warm drink every half hour. Sitting on the train, I risked it and listened to The Collings and Herrin podcast, just hoping I wouldn’t laugh out loud, luckily, I managed a few chuckles but nothing to loud and obvious. 

After meeting my friend we decided to head to the studios so we knew where we had to be, unfortunately, as we crossed one of the many bridges over the Thames, the sky opened and we got drenched, but did find a bar full of men in suits to have a pint in till the rain stopped.

Seeing The Bubble studio, it kind of spoilt the view, especially when you can see right round the edge to the back of the studio, obviously I know it’s not filmed in a small room like it looks, but I can dream. There’s nothing like having that homely feeling when you’re watching a television show.

Nonetheless, it was a hilarious couple of hours, which got massively cut for good reason I’m sure, as there were several points that probably would have cause some narrow-minded person (was gonna use the C word there, but I’m trying to use it less) to complain.

Robert Webb was hilarious and it was great to see him and David Mitchell playing off each other. Miranda Hart, as always, was brilliant, and just made me love her more. Shappi Khorsandi, was funny, although seemed a little quieter than the other two.

So that was thursday, as for yesterday, well that’s simple to write about.

Good curry, good cider, good company, and a good comedy DVD(Bill Bailey’s Remarkable Guide To The Orchestra).

Tonight I have a night down the pub planned, so there is a high chance I will get in drunk later and either make a post or be massively annoying in the Late Night Club on the forum.

I’m hoping this coming week to actually get on with what I had planned and actually get some work done, I just have to stop procrastinating like this.

Thanks, byeeee.