Working Things Out

My comments on the odd things that happen in this world

I’ve Only Gone And Done A Blog Post July 20, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — terrygreene182 @ 8:55 pm

July 12th 2011 appears to be the last time I actually wrote something of artistic merit, since then it’s feels as though I’ve just been working solidly for 2 years.

I spent a year not reading newspapers, trying to avert my mind from the constant page after page of depression. Did this make me a happier person? No, it just left me slightly out of touch and having to blag my way through certain conversations.

It’s also a lot harder to get back into it than you would think; I’m still struggling with it. You would think as a homosexual I’d be all read up on the topic of gay marriage. I’d know who the key players were, who was coming down on either side, time lines, conflicts, wins and losses. To be perfectly honest I couldn’t tell you anything.

The only part of the debate I’ve really heard came from Lord Tebbit, I’m not sure anyone could have avoided his levelled, well thought out comments that really rang true with the whole campaign.

“When we have a queen who is a lesbian and she marries another lady and then decides she would like to have a child and someone donates sperm and she gives birth to a child, is that child heir to the throne?”

“It’s like one of my colleagues said: we’ve got to make these same sex marriages available to all. It would lift my worries about inheritance tax because maybe I’d be allowed to marry my son. Why not? Why shouldn’t a mother marry her daughter? Why shouldn’t two elderly sisters living together marry each other?”

The easiest way to read that is Lord Tebbit googled the wrong thing and ended up spending half a day surfing through the depraved corners of the internet trying to find the sickest thing he could to make him infuriated about the state of the world. Seeing one thing online and deciding that’s what everyone else stands for and deciding he was a loan crusader against lesbian queens, artificial insemination (all I can think of is the royal turkey baster), and incestuous marriage.

The thing to note with the incestuous marriage part is that the marriage isn’t for love, it’s to avoid tax, so the man so vehemently trying to defend marriage against the evils of gay sees marriage as a business transaction.

But so what if Lord Tebbit did just search out a depraved video on the internet to use as a generalisation, we’ve all done that sort of thing. I’m sure this year we’ve all purposely opened a retweeted link on twitter, or a shared link on facebook, knowing it’s a Daily Mail article that is just sure to infuriate us. We can all clearly see from the headline what the article is going to be and on which side it is going to fall, why are we still reading it? It’s anger porn, that’s why.

The REAL reason middle-class mums love Aldi (and it’s nothing to do with award-winning tea bags and bacon…but everything to do with the booze aisle)

Translated: We’re going to judge you for drinking, not because we don’t drink but because our alcohol  is expensive where as you drink poor people’s alcohol.

The real life Shameless: Family-of-nine say people who don’t think they should have £2,500 3D TV paid for by benefits can ‘f*** off’

Translated:  Ha look at their living conditions, now let’s get angry about something they’ve got through a pyramid scheme.

Controversy in Cannes as top honour awarded to film with lesbian sex scenes ‘that leave nothing to the imagination’

Translated: Oh my god, a film about empowered women, why not calm your nerves by clicking on one the stories on the side bar where we abuse women for looking slightly different just to make ourselves feel better.

By the way, this isn’t me defending Lord Tebbit, he’s 82, I doubt he even knows how to google something. I can’t see anyone having the patience to sit with him and show him how computers work. It would be more infuriating than introducing a nun to a rabbi and trying to get a filthy, hedonistic love going, much in the same vein as the 2002 film Secretary. (That video has to be somewhere online)

What I’m really saying with this post is that I’m back, hopefully, as long as I can keep this momentum going. With some hopeful changes in my life soon that last sentence may actually be the truth. I’m going to start getting into politics again, and reading the news, in fact just reading in general, in the last 2 years I’ve only read a handful of books and I feel slightly ashamed by that.

Before I finish I just want to update you on a couple of bits.

First of all I went to the ARG(actually rather good) Comedy Festival a few weekends back and saw many comedians who up until that weekend I had never seen or heard anything of before. Although hard to pick highlights out of 2 days of top comedy there were some particularly perfect moments.

John-Luke Roberts singing Patricia Routledge over and over again while the Lana Del Rey song ‘Born to Die’.

Colin Hoult’s amazing imagination bought together for his new show Charachthorse.

The ramblings of Joe Lycett, with my particular favourite story of the car full of rowdy young men.

Bridget Christie proving once again sexism is still rife and needs to be battled against.

And of course the perfect end to the weekend, the riotous Pappy’s Flatshare Slamdown. Tom’s stage dive is possibly the most painful laugh I’ve ever had.

That’s all for now but thanks for coming back and reading what I had to write.

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Me Man And Man Make Cry July 12, 2011

Filed under: Film,General,Television — terrygreene182 @ 2:24 am

On the 12th of July I cried for 15 minutes.

What made this happen? The film Marley and Me. It’s not even that great a film but there’s something about defenceless creatures that get’s my tear ducts leaking profusely down my cheeks.

I can still remember the first film that ever really made me cry, it’s not Bambi as is most people’s standard tear-jerker moment from childhood, but was in fact “Homeward Bound”.

Yes that’s right, Homeward Bound. Essentially a film about 2 dogs and a cat going on a hiking holiday and being held hostage by nature. Think The River Wild but with animals instead, pesky porcupines and a meddlesome moose. (Don’t judge me on the alliteration, I’m sure you couldn’t have resisted it either.)

I haven’t seen this film in quite some time, yet I’m sure that if I watch it anytime soon it will still reduce me to tears. Just the thought of that golden retriever not appearing over the top of that hill makes me worry every time I watch it. What if someones snuck into my house with their own alternative ending to the film where Shadow dies by that train track, and what if they’ve painstakingly spent all night cutting this alternative ending onto my video so that the next time I watch it I don’t get the elation of seeing him slowly appear, instead I just get the depression of a harmless dogs death. Although saying this makes me wonder, surely if you’ve got an alternative ending you would also have in your possession a full video edit containing this alternative ending, so why did you spend the night slicing and dicing my video, why not just swap them over. I’m hardly going to notice that you’ve stolen my version until the end, and at this point it’s to late because you’ve already achieved what you wanted to. Jesus, think it through next time will you!

Enough of my Homeward Bound obsession anyway. That’s not even the most embarrassing tearful film story.

A little fun game for the middle of the blog, I’ll give you a quick quote and you have to guess the film before you read the next sentence. OK, everyone clear on the rules? Good, here we go then.

To infinity and beyOH DEAR GOD, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO ENDDD!!!

Sorry about that, I couldn’t even write the quote without bringing back the terrible emotions from that fateful day.

It started off as quite a good day, I was being the kindly elder brother and taking my 12-year-old brother(remember that age) to the cinema to see a couple of films. I knew I was taking him to see Toy Story 3 but I thought while there I might as well introduce him to something good so managed to get Scott Pilgrim Vs The World in first. Great film, go watch it.

Anyway, I sat there, for pretty much fiery pit onwards, audibly weeping, while my 12 YEAR OLD brother sat there smiling his head off having the time of his life. If anything is going to make you feel less of a man weeping at a childs film while a child sits there as happy as Jeremy Vine on election night when he gets to play with the green screen.

The most annoying thing about this instance of crying is that I wasn’t even that big a fan of the first two films in the Toy Story franchise. I’d only seen the first film about 3, maybe 4 times, and amazingly at that point had never fully seen the second film( I later discovered the reason for that, it isn’t very good). I have since seen the first two films about 10 times each, so now that I actually feel something for these characters it just makes the end of number 3 harder. I truly feel for the young dads who had grown up with Toy Story and loved it more than me and had to take their children to see the third in the trilogy as they must have been wailing. At least I just wept….losers.

Marley and Me started this blog and Marley and Me is going to end it.

Why would Channel Four show this on a sunday night, no one is out on a sunday night so if your watching this film, your watching it with other people, you don’t have a choice. Also starting a film like this at 8pm means that you have to let the kids stay up to watch the last hour, meaning, if you have a wife and children, there are at least three people there to watch you cry your eyes out for twenty minutes.

As I mentioned earlier it’s not even that good a film, I liked it yes, but from the start of the film I knew that John Grogan had just set out to lure people in with this loveable story of a boisterous and loveable dog before leaving you to weep while the credits rolled, or if you read the book, while you flicked through those last 5 blank pages which are always inexplicably at the back of every book.

My point to this blog, although yes I’ll admit for this point to make sense you need to ignore everything I have written before, is that crying is a good thing. It’s cathartic and is needed every now and then. Just make sure you do it hidden away somewhere from the general public because I catch you crying all you’ll get from me is an awkward pat on the back and the words “there there, never mind”.

Now let’s all just say “Awwww look at the cute little doggy!!!”

 

I Found This May 24, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — terrygreene182 @ 9:01 pm

Looking through the folder on my computer I found this review I wrote on the Justin Lee Collins unsuccessful quiz show “Heads Or Tails”, so as a cop-out for me, meaning I don’t have to do any thinking, here it is.

Justin Lee Collins latest vehicle, Heads or Tails, is the poor mans version of ITV’s The Colour of Money, which in itself was a poor mans version of Channel Fours Deal or No Deal.

As concepts go, it is possibly the simplest concept known to man. Pick a number, flip a coin, pick heads or tails. If you get it right you win what ever is under the number you chose. That must have been one heavy brainstorming session, just think of the brain power in that room.

Channel Five has been dragging itself out of it’s reputation for being a low-budget channel by showing top American dramas such as the CSI collection of shows, Law and Order, and more recently spending a lot on getting the rights to show Flash Forward, one of the newest and biggest dramas to take the US by storm. So why make something like this. Well it’s cheap is probably the answer. With these types of shows they usually film several episodes in a day with the host just changing their shirt between each shoot.

Justin Lee Collins is a great choice of host for a show like this because it’s impossible to hate him, no matter how much you try. The big cuddly looking lion somehow just oozes likeability in whatever he does. Although not having the ability to be his usual loud and loveable self, he can at least get out of his stereotypical role of being the crazy one, and get down to homing his skill as a presenter. Perhaps if this show had happened before his ITV2 chat show it may have made it more watchable.

Looking at Alan Carr his comedy partner,  he also did a quiz show, but on this they let him be himself and it appears letting this happen could count towards the success of his current chat show, Chatty Man ( Channel Four ), and why he is now one to watch on the live stand up comedy circuit.

But can Justin Lee Collins go any further, he has been in the pubic psyche for a number of years longer that Alan Carr but doesn’t seem to have grown, He’s like the jogging bottoms of the TV world, comfortable but you’d never tell anyone you wore them.

Tada, and I was only a child then. To be honest I didn’t read it fully back to myself, I hope it’s worth a read.

 

I’m Magic May 23, 2010

Filed under: General,Good Mood — terrygreene182 @ 8:03 pm

Seriously I am, for the first time ever I am sitting in the garden, in the setting sun, writing this. I feel like a magician. 10 years ago this wouldn’t have been possible yet today we take it for granted. Modern life really is the best. I even have Spotify open, that’s how cool I am.

Anyway, moving away from rambling on about the old days I’m going to put down some ideas that I had during the week(ideas that I can remember that is), the Britain’s Got… post will either come tomorrow or later on tonight or not at all this week, for once I had a life on a saturday night.

My Ideal World

That’s right folks, I’m going philosophical on your arses. I say philosophical because I know it is never going to happen but can’t you let a boy dream.

So my ideal world is essentially communistic, not how it’s been in the past, but how it’s meant to be, what it actually means. Here’s the plan.

  • Everything is free, houses, phones, ipads, whatever you want it’s free. (Size of house is dependant on the size of your immediate family I’m thinking.)
  • Everyone has to work. What I’m thinking is everyone works 2 or 3 days a week so that there is space for everyone to work on a rota type system.

That’s all I’ve thought through for the moment, it’s been in my head for a while but that second point only came to me this week. As I said let a boy dream. Any more suggestions to this ideal world would be much appreciated. Let’s all come together and make it happen. Again as I said let a boy dream.

Spotify

I know you all probably know about it but I have only just entered the world of Spotify and what a brilliant world it is. I have been spending hours on this listening to music that I’d forgotten about. I would post a link up to my playlists but I’m not sure how to. I will say however listen to Hot Club De Paris, Future Of The Left, The Voluntary Butler Scheme, Emmy The Great, Metronomy, Le Reno Amps, Aqualung and Stornoway.

The England Flag Rumour

Rumour being what it is, as in false, not true, a lie, another phrase which means much the same thing. God knows where it started but it was fuelled in no small part by paper that has the audacity to call it self the news. That’s right the non-thinking person Daily Mail that is The Sun.

The actual story is that a police force suggested to a couple of pubs where there is often trouble during the world cup to possibly ban football shirts during the tournaments. That’s football shirts, not England shirts, not England flags but football shirts. To these suggestions the landlords have said that yes what the police SUGGESTED was a good idea and that they were going to give many of their suggestions considerations.

If your going to believe this rumour then maybe you should focus your anger on the fans causing the trouble and not on the innocent bystanders who don’t care what flag you’re waving around but do care when violence erupts.

Thanks for reading this hastily put together post. I shall now wander upstairs, crack out the Cointreau and coke and watch Money on BBC2, catch it on the iplayer, it might be alright.

Britain’s Got… blog to come tomorrow I’m now thinking. If I don’t remember then give me a nudge on here, twitter, or facebook.

 

Sunday Night Blues May 16, 2010

Filed under: Comedy,Good Mood,Politics,Review,TYSIC — terrygreene182 @ 7:50 pm

I don’t know what it is about sunday nights but I get grumpy. I usually end up snapping at a family member and having to sit upstairs. So today I took the pre-emptive strike of moving up stairs directly after dinner(lovingly prepared by me) and will now spend the rest of tonight watching crap television. That is, after I’ve written this clumsily cobbled together blog of ideas.

Politics.

So we have a new government, conlib, condem, libcon, however you want to describe, and already it has caused controversy by the fact that it is two seeming polar opposite parties who have now come together for the next five years. The right-wing hate it, the left-wing hate it, but the fence sitters are surely loving it. Saying that they probably haven’t even noticed anything happening and probably didn’t even vote, the scum they are.

After the initial shock of what had happened, and once I had got past how creepy it was to see Clegg and Cameron in a garden laughing and joking, I finally managed to get my head in a balanced enough place to make my mind up. Although I would rather have not had the Conservatives in power at all, at least while they are there the Liberal Democrats can hopefully stop them from doing any of their more right-wing plans such as repealing the hunting ban(I hope).

For me David Cameron will never be the prime minister and for the next five years, or however long until the two parties start arguing, in my mind this country will have no prime minister. I know it’s a bit of a childish thing to do, but what is the point in living if your going to let go of childhood completely. I still talk to myself when no ones around, I talk to my animals as if they can understand me, and whenever they house is empty I do indeed dance like a champion.

What I’m saying is, don’t lose hope and faith with the Liberal Democrats, love them all the same, if you did that is, and keep supporting them. This is bound to give them a better footing for next time round and who knows the (spits on floor) Sun may even start supporting them at the next election. Although if that happens I shall then be voting for someone else. Maybe the Greens, I like them.

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What’s the difference between a bus and the BNP? A bus has got seats and is going somewhere.(Joke via Billy Bragg, our lord and saviour)


Productive Weekend.

I actually managed to do some decent things this weekend. I finished reading a book that had been sitting in my bag for months, and I’ve begun reading another.

The book I finished was Black Butterfly by Mark Gatiss. The third, and final I think, in the Lucifer Box series, and a brilliant end to what has been a wonderful set of books. I started reading them by chance, me being the type of person who buys a book because of the cover(or in the some cases the pages, see Popco and The end of Mr Y), and from the moment I opened the first page of The Vesuvius Club I was hooked. With a brilliant lead character in Lucifer Box, who is portrayed in such a charming and charismatic way that you instantly fall in love with him. These three books are not only well written, but are also truly funny and cause some laugh out load moments, which cause some odd looks while on the bus, and even moments of real tension. This is the first book that I have ever read while clenching my fist and willing the characters to victory. I urge you, if you have not yet read them to give them a try.https://i0.wp.com/img1.fantasticfiction.co.uk/images/n28/n142252.jpg

I’ve now start reading the brilliant Richard Herrings “How Not To Grow Up”, one chapter in and it’s looking good. Available for £6.99 on Amazon, and is currently top of the comedy charts, so let’s keep it there. Also while your buying that why not pop over to http://www.gofasterstripe.com and buy everything, not just Richard Herrings stuff but everything. It’s worth it.

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Also this weekend I finally sat down and carried on with the work I started months ago on some sketches. Credit Crunch BBC is my working title, and if anyone knows of a good place to send these sketches to get them seem, then any help would be greeted with nothing but graciousness, perhaps even a pint if I ever met you.

 

Britains Got Stendhal Syndrome May 15, 2010

Filed under: General,Review,Television — terrygreene182 @ 8:13 pm

It’s real, give it a google.

Remember kids, the competition is still open. Just leave an illness in the comments on any of the Britains Got…. blogs and I will choose my favourite for the final and that person will win a mystery prize. I say mystery, it’s just not been decided yet but I promise it will be something good. So get your thinking caps on and send m your best efforts. You can enter as much as you like.

Anyway, the time is upon again so here we go for an hour of vacuous nothingness with the possibility of some talent on the horizon, once we get past the intro that is. I feel we need a crap joke.

Taking to the stage first this week is Marlene, 62, from Bournemouth and she’s going to sing us a little song. From the look of her I’m expecting some music hall-style songs, but alas it’s not. She just ends up sounding like a karaoke night at a holiday camp but she was fun. To watch that is, not be around. If that happened I would have to smash her face in with a brick.

MONTAGE TIME!

Ryan giving us a little rendition of You Raise Me Up, well we all try to sing along when it’s on so why not give it a go in front of a large audience.

Jamie Harding, in a purple body suit, giving us a little dad rocker dancing and baring ALL to the world.

Pucker Productions, at last an amateur production group compan….oh they’re gone.

END OF MONTAGE!

Alan James, the rejected member of ZZ Top, saying he “saw Top Of The Pops on the radio” no explanation needed, and thank god he is singing a song that he wrote himself. Oh this is a heartbreaking song, and all you can see coming through is years of constant rejection as he sidles up to them in bars, twiddling his moustache and begins with his opening gambit of “I’m wearing my National Lottery undies. Push the button and release the balls!”

Josh Barry, 16 years old, and a student, sponging bastard. I don’t pay for you to go on talent shows, wow I’m really getting into this Tory government. Singing a classic, which I have never heard anyone sing badly which leads me to think that no one can sing this badly, even with hair that bad, I can’t comment mine is constantly a mess but I don’t put myself forward for national ridicule.

https://i1.wp.com/www.unrealitytv.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/josh.jpg

MONTAGE!

Mystica? maybe, belly dancing without bellies, yet still somehow through.

Julia? I’m not getting any of these names, and her act is performing the BBC ident from several years ago.

Again I missed the name, but essentially it’s a less complicated diversity. Now one quick point, Amanda says there were real glimpses of genius in their act. Did I miss Ben Goldacre while I was looking down.

END OF MONTAGE!

Twist and Pulse are next, looking like the two bullied members of “the cool kids” gang, and their going t give us a little dance. With a timely reminder of The Cheeky Girls which just brings back the thought of why! But it was funny at points but in the end with all of these new pop locking dances, I sound middle-aged, it’s just moving in a jolty style. Essentially they could just put someone with epilepsy onto the stage and make them have a fit to get the same result.

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MONTAGE!

The something poets society, with much and fish. This  is when cross breeding goes wrong.

THAT WAS A SHIT MONTAGE!

Mark James, dressed as the Phantom of The Opera, to show people that he is good at what he does. Im worried, there are a number of things I’m good at but I’m pretty sure they would be illegal to put on a stage and national television. Oh he’s doing a half and half song, I remember when I first saw one of these, it was good. Then I saw another one, it wasn’t so good. Having just checked Twitter I see that many people are showing a lot of love to the contestants. I feel so alone.

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So now we have a female Diversity called Ice. I say female I can see a male there. I understand that this sort of dancing is impressive but there’s a time and a place for it and that was last year. I’m going to stop writing about this act because I will just get angry and lose a lot of readers. Okay I’m going to say a bit more. How can Simon Cowell say he doesn’t like it when people are coached. Has he never seen the X Factor! He’s made his career out of coaching people to sing horrible shit, the beaver headed cunt. Ahem, rant over.

Paul Burling, doing some impressions for us. Let’s see how up to date they are, I’m expecting Les Dennis up to date. Oh I’m pleasantly surprised that he’s begun with a Harry Hill impression, and then the cartoon impressions came out. I wish I was easily pleased because I would have found that entertaining, unfortunately I’m a bit of a comedy snob, if your going to impressions then make them real people. So he’s through and my faith in humanity is destroyed, I miss natural selection.

That’s all folks HAHAHAHAHA I’M SO FUCKING FUNNY, I DID A BUGS BUNNY IMPRESSION HAFUCKINGHAHA!

Ahem, sorry I don’t know what came over. Goodbye for now.

 

Turn That Frown Upside Down. May 11, 2010

Filed under: Comedy,General,Television — terrygreene182 @ 10:09 pm

And I’m back, after almost a week of no posts I felt I’d better poke my head above ground, but what with the election I have been either busy, or tired. Seriously, massively and literally(bet  you’ve seen that used in the right context in a while) tired.

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I feel that I need to tell you all something before I go on to the main chunk of this blog. A pensioner stayed awake longer than me. That’s it, breathe in and settle yourself. David Dimbleby is a god. He spent 17 hours on TV and I had to sleep for 5 of them, I say sleep, it was a drunken stupor. And can I just say I have never felt more British than when I woke up, put on some shorts and a hoodie with the hood up, rocking from foot to foot. headache pulsing, eyes not fully open due to the hangover, jaw hanging open, while I looked at the television to see the queen while some classical music played in the background. And that my friends, is what it means to be British.

*

So it’s been a big day which has left a lot of people with a sour taste in their mouth, but don’t worry I’m here to cheer you up with a specially written letter, which is probably in slightly bad taste but I’m sure it will raise a smile.

Any persons mentioned in the next piece are completely fictional and anything they share with real people is completely by coincidence even if it is spot on life.

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A letter from Captain Birdseye to the World.

Dear The World,

Hello there, it’s me Captain Birdseye. I know it’s been a while but I’ve spent a lot of time in Cambodia of late doing sunbathing and all that.

I just wanted to say sorry for, you know, taking your kids and all that. Maybe I should have found a proper crew for my ship but what with shipping duties, I just couldn’t afford to pay them so I felt the best way was to just steal all the children off the Isle Of Wight, but it was for their own good really, I gave them thumbs.

All the kids were fed well, with plenty of omega 3. I even showed them where fish hide their fingers, just under the third gill from the top on the left, but don’t tell anyone.

Okay they may have all died on our final voyage but it was worth it. I finally managed to find the mythical waffle, and besides you have to forgive me for anything I’ve ever done now because I’ve got cancer like that Jade Goody, yeah that’s right. Also my agent, Max Clifford, has asked me to say that I would very much like you to respect my privacy, but I will be releasing daily updates even if there is no change, but it’s ok, it’s not sick because I’m doing it for the children, so that’s alright then.

Hugs and Kissed, Captain Birdseye.