Working Things Out

My comments on the odd things that happen in this world

Me Man And Man Make Cry July 12, 2011

Filed under: Film,General,Television — terrygreene182 @ 2:24 am

On the 12th of July I cried for 15 minutes.

What made this happen? The film Marley and Me. It’s not even that great a film but there’s something about defenceless creatures that get’s my tear ducts leaking profusely down my cheeks.

I can still remember the first film that ever really made me cry, it’s not Bambi as is most people’s standard tear-jerker moment from childhood, but was in fact “Homeward Bound”.

Yes that’s right, Homeward Bound. Essentially a film about 2 dogs and a cat going on a hiking holiday and being held hostage by nature. Think The River Wild but with animals instead, pesky porcupines and a meddlesome moose. (Don’t judge me on the alliteration, I’m sure you couldn’t have resisted it either.)

I haven’t seen this film in quite some time, yet I’m sure that if I watch it anytime soon it will still reduce me to tears. Just the thought of that golden retriever not appearing over the top of that hill makes me worry every time I watch it. What if someones snuck into my house with their own alternative ending to the film where Shadow dies by that train track, and what if they’ve painstakingly spent all night cutting this alternative ending onto my video so that the next time I watch it I don’t get the elation of seeing him slowly appear, instead I just get the depression of a harmless dogs death. Although saying this makes me wonder, surely if you’ve got an alternative ending you would also have in your possession a full video edit containing this alternative ending, so why did you spend the night slicing and dicing my video, why not just swap them over. I’m hardly going to notice that you’ve stolen my version until the end, and at this point it’s to late because you’ve already achieved what you wanted to. Jesus, think it through next time will you!

Enough of my Homeward Bound obsession anyway. That’s not even the most embarrassing tearful film story.

A little fun game for the middle of the blog, I’ll give you a quick quote and you have to guess the film before you read the next sentence. OK, everyone clear on the rules? Good, here we go then.

To infinity and beyOH DEAR GOD, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO ENDDD!!!

Sorry about that, I couldn’t even write the quote without bringing back the terrible emotions from that fateful day.

It started off as quite a good day, I was being the kindly elder brother and taking my 12-year-old brother(remember that age) to the cinema to see a couple of films. I knew I was taking him to see Toy Story 3 but I thought while there I might as well introduce him to something good so managed to get Scott Pilgrim Vs The World in first. Great film, go watch it.

Anyway, I sat there, for pretty much fiery pit onwards, audibly weeping, while my 12 YEAR OLD brother sat there smiling his head off having the time of his life. If anything is going to make you feel less of a man weeping at a childs film while a child sits there as happy as Jeremy Vine on election night when he gets to play with the green screen.

The most annoying thing about this instance of crying is that I wasn’t even that big a fan of the first two films in the Toy Story franchise. I’d only seen the first film about 3, maybe 4 times, and amazingly at that point had never fully seen the second film( I later discovered the reason for that, it isn’t very good). I have since seen the first two films about 10 times each, so now that I actually feel something for these characters it just makes the end of number 3 harder. I truly feel for the young dads who had grown up with Toy Story and loved it more than me and had to take their children to see the third in the trilogy as they must have been wailing. At least I just wept….losers.

Marley and Me started this blog and Marley and Me is going to end it.

Why would Channel Four show this on a sunday night, no one is out on a sunday night so if your watching this film, your watching it with other people, you don’t have a choice. Also starting a film like this at 8pm means that you have to let the kids stay up to watch the last hour, meaning, if you have a wife and children, there are at least three people there to watch you cry your eyes out for twenty minutes.

As I mentioned earlier it’s not even that good a film, I liked it yes, but from the start of the film I knew that John Grogan had just set out to lure people in with this loveable story of a boisterous and loveable dog before leaving you to weep while the credits rolled, or if you read the book, while you flicked through those last 5 blank pages which are always inexplicably at the back of every book.

My point to this blog, although yes I’ll admit for this point to make sense you need to ignore everything I have written before, is that crying is a good thing. It’s cathartic and is needed every now and then. Just make sure you do it hidden away somewhere from the general public because I catch you crying all you’ll get from me is an awkward pat on the back and the words “there there, never mind”.

Now let’s all just say “Awwww look at the cute little doggy!!!”

 

I’m Magic May 23, 2010

Filed under: General,Good Mood — terrygreene182 @ 8:03 pm

Seriously I am, for the first time ever I am sitting in the garden, in the setting sun, writing this. I feel like a magician. 10 years ago this wouldn’t have been possible yet today we take it for granted. Modern life really is the best. I even have Spotify open, that’s how cool I am.

Anyway, moving away from rambling on about the old days I’m going to put down some ideas that I had during the week(ideas that I can remember that is), the Britain’s Got… post will either come tomorrow or later on tonight or not at all this week, for once I had a life on a saturday night.

My Ideal World

That’s right folks, I’m going philosophical on your arses. I say philosophical because I know it is never going to happen but can’t you let a boy dream.

So my ideal world is essentially communistic, not how it’s been in the past, but how it’s meant to be, what it actually means. Here’s the plan.

  • Everything is free, houses, phones, ipads, whatever you want it’s free. (Size of house is dependant on the size of your immediate family I’m thinking.)
  • Everyone has to work. What I’m thinking is everyone works 2 or 3 days a week so that there is space for everyone to work on a rota type system.

That’s all I’ve thought through for the moment, it’s been in my head for a while but that second point only came to me this week. As I said let a boy dream. Any more suggestions to this ideal world would be much appreciated. Let’s all come together and make it happen. Again as I said let a boy dream.

Spotify

I know you all probably know about it but I have only just entered the world of Spotify and what a brilliant world it is. I have been spending hours on this listening to music that I’d forgotten about. I would post a link up to my playlists but I’m not sure how to. I will say however listen to Hot Club De Paris, Future Of The Left, The Voluntary Butler Scheme, Emmy The Great, Metronomy, Le Reno Amps, Aqualung and Stornoway.

The England Flag Rumour

Rumour being what it is, as in false, not true, a lie, another phrase which means much the same thing. God knows where it started but it was fuelled in no small part by paper that has the audacity to call it self the news. That’s right the non-thinking person Daily Mail that is The Sun.

The actual story is that a police force suggested to a couple of pubs where there is often trouble during the world cup to possibly ban football shirts during the tournaments. That’s football shirts, not England shirts, not England flags but football shirts. To these suggestions the landlords have said that yes what the police SUGGESTED was a good idea and that they were going to give many of their suggestions considerations.

If your going to believe this rumour then maybe you should focus your anger on the fans causing the trouble and not on the innocent bystanders who don’t care what flag you’re waving around but do care when violence erupts.

Thanks for reading this hastily put together post. I shall now wander upstairs, crack out the Cointreau and coke and watch Money on BBC2, catch it on the iplayer, it might be alright.

Britain’s Got… blog to come tomorrow I’m now thinking. If I don’t remember then give me a nudge on here, twitter, or facebook.

 

Britains Got Stendhal Syndrome May 15, 2010

Filed under: General,Review,Television — terrygreene182 @ 8:13 pm

It’s real, give it a google.

Remember kids, the competition is still open. Just leave an illness in the comments on any of the Britains Got…. blogs and I will choose my favourite for the final and that person will win a mystery prize. I say mystery, it’s just not been decided yet but I promise it will be something good. So get your thinking caps on and send m your best efforts. You can enter as much as you like.

Anyway, the time is upon again so here we go for an hour of vacuous nothingness with the possibility of some talent on the horizon, once we get past the intro that is. I feel we need a crap joke.

Taking to the stage first this week is Marlene, 62, from Bournemouth and she’s going to sing us a little song. From the look of her I’m expecting some music hall-style songs, but alas it’s not. She just ends up sounding like a karaoke night at a holiday camp but she was fun. To watch that is, not be around. If that happened I would have to smash her face in with a brick.

MONTAGE TIME!

Ryan giving us a little rendition of You Raise Me Up, well we all try to sing along when it’s on so why not give it a go in front of a large audience.

Jamie Harding, in a purple body suit, giving us a little dad rocker dancing and baring ALL to the world.

Pucker Productions, at last an amateur production group compan….oh they’re gone.

END OF MONTAGE!

Alan James, the rejected member of ZZ Top, saying he “saw Top Of The Pops on the radio” no explanation needed, and thank god he is singing a song that he wrote himself. Oh this is a heartbreaking song, and all you can see coming through is years of constant rejection as he sidles up to them in bars, twiddling his moustache and begins with his opening gambit of “I’m wearing my National Lottery undies. Push the button and release the balls!”

Josh Barry, 16 years old, and a student, sponging bastard. I don’t pay for you to go on talent shows, wow I’m really getting into this Tory government. Singing a classic, which I have never heard anyone sing badly which leads me to think that no one can sing this badly, even with hair that bad, I can’t comment mine is constantly a mess but I don’t put myself forward for national ridicule.

https://i1.wp.com/www.unrealitytv.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2010/05/josh.jpg

MONTAGE!

Mystica? maybe, belly dancing without bellies, yet still somehow through.

Julia? I’m not getting any of these names, and her act is performing the BBC ident from several years ago.

Again I missed the name, but essentially it’s a less complicated diversity. Now one quick point, Amanda says there were real glimpses of genius in their act. Did I miss Ben Goldacre while I was looking down.

END OF MONTAGE!

Twist and Pulse are next, looking like the two bullied members of “the cool kids” gang, and their going t give us a little dance. With a timely reminder of The Cheeky Girls which just brings back the thought of why! But it was funny at points but in the end with all of these new pop locking dances, I sound middle-aged, it’s just moving in a jolty style. Essentially they could just put someone with epilepsy onto the stage and make them have a fit to get the same result.

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MONTAGE!

The something poets society, with much and fish. This  is when cross breeding goes wrong.

THAT WAS A SHIT MONTAGE!

Mark James, dressed as the Phantom of The Opera, to show people that he is good at what he does. Im worried, there are a number of things I’m good at but I’m pretty sure they would be illegal to put on a stage and national television. Oh he’s doing a half and half song, I remember when I first saw one of these, it was good. Then I saw another one, it wasn’t so good. Having just checked Twitter I see that many people are showing a lot of love to the contestants. I feel so alone.

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So now we have a female Diversity called Ice. I say female I can see a male there. I understand that this sort of dancing is impressive but there’s a time and a place for it and that was last year. I’m going to stop writing about this act because I will just get angry and lose a lot of readers. Okay I’m going to say a bit more. How can Simon Cowell say he doesn’t like it when people are coached. Has he never seen the X Factor! He’s made his career out of coaching people to sing horrible shit, the beaver headed cunt. Ahem, rant over.

Paul Burling, doing some impressions for us. Let’s see how up to date they are, I’m expecting Les Dennis up to date. Oh I’m pleasantly surprised that he’s begun with a Harry Hill impression, and then the cartoon impressions came out. I wish I was easily pleased because I would have found that entertaining, unfortunately I’m a bit of a comedy snob, if your going to impressions then make them real people. So he’s through and my faith in humanity is destroyed, I miss natural selection.

That’s all folks HAHAHAHAHA I’M SO FUCKING FUNNY, I DID A BUGS BUNNY IMPRESSION HAFUCKINGHAHA!

Ahem, sorry I don’t know what came over. Goodbye for now.

 

Turn That Frown Upside Down. May 11, 2010

Filed under: Comedy,General,Television — terrygreene182 @ 10:09 pm

And I’m back, after almost a week of no posts I felt I’d better poke my head above ground, but what with the election I have been either busy, or tired. Seriously, massively and literally(bet  you’ve seen that used in the right context in a while) tired.

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I feel that I need to tell you all something before I go on to the main chunk of this blog. A pensioner stayed awake longer than me. That’s it, breathe in and settle yourself. David Dimbleby is a god. He spent 17 hours on TV and I had to sleep for 5 of them, I say sleep, it was a drunken stupor. And can I just say I have never felt more British than when I woke up, put on some shorts and a hoodie with the hood up, rocking from foot to foot. headache pulsing, eyes not fully open due to the hangover, jaw hanging open, while I looked at the television to see the queen while some classical music played in the background. And that my friends, is what it means to be British.

*

So it’s been a big day which has left a lot of people with a sour taste in their mouth, but don’t worry I’m here to cheer you up with a specially written letter, which is probably in slightly bad taste but I’m sure it will raise a smile.

Any persons mentioned in the next piece are completely fictional and anything they share with real people is completely by coincidence even if it is spot on life.

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A letter from Captain Birdseye to the World.

Dear The World,

Hello there, it’s me Captain Birdseye. I know it’s been a while but I’ve spent a lot of time in Cambodia of late doing sunbathing and all that.

I just wanted to say sorry for, you know, taking your kids and all that. Maybe I should have found a proper crew for my ship but what with shipping duties, I just couldn’t afford to pay them so I felt the best way was to just steal all the children off the Isle Of Wight, but it was for their own good really, I gave them thumbs.

All the kids were fed well, with plenty of omega 3. I even showed them where fish hide their fingers, just under the third gill from the top on the left, but don’t tell anyone.

Okay they may have all died on our final voyage but it was worth it. I finally managed to find the mythical waffle, and besides you have to forgive me for anything I’ve ever done now because I’ve got cancer like that Jade Goody, yeah that’s right. Also my agent, Max Clifford, has asked me to say that I would very much like you to respect my privacy, but I will be releasing daily updates even if there is no change, but it’s ok, it’s not sick because I’m doing it for the children, so that’s alright then.

Hugs and Kissed, Captain Birdseye.

 

Stupid Parties Part 2 April 26, 2010

Filed under: General,Good Causes,Politics — terrygreene182 @ 10:39 pm

Welcome back kids, today I wrote an email to Ukip, that loving party, and without further ado here it is.

After reading your manifesto there are several points which have caught my eye and that I have not been to sure whether they are even viable and some which seem a bit ignorant.
“Save up to £120bn a year by leaving the EU. No British jobs or trade will be lost” I feel people seem to forget that we are part of Europe, just because we are not on the mainland and seems to have an over hyped sense of self worth about our country. We need the EU otherwise we will just become the insignificant little country that we are.
“End abuse of the UK asylum system and expel Islamic extremists” You mention Islamic extremists there, what about Catholic extremists, Jewish extremists, Christian and any other religion you care to think of. You cannot just target one certain religion. There have been many times that I walk down my local high street to hear Christian preachers yelling to tell me that gay people are wrong and any one that’s not christian is wrong, but I know free speech works both ways they have their right to say what they want and I have the right to reply, not to just say they have no right to be here, that’s what living in a free society means.
“Introduce a ‘Three Strikes and You’re Out’ law to lock up career criminals for good” This has been used in America now for a number of years and it clearly doesn’t work. Essentially people could be put away for life for frivolous crimes. It’s not about locking people up it’s about finding the route of why people do what they do and fixing that.
“Keep Britain’s independent nuclear deterrent strong” Keep it for what reason exactly? Yes other countries who previously have not had nuclear weapons are developing them, but this country cannot complain about others having these weapons while being in possession them.
“Oppose wind farms in general and require them to be funded by the market” I do not understand the offence people take with wind farms, we need to start using these types of resources other than those that will eventually run out. Now is the time to be investing in wind farms, solar panels, tidal energy and other types like this.
“End support for multiculturalism and promote one shared British culture for all” The world today is a multicultural one, with technology bringing everyone closer together, and this is a good thing. How can we expect to move on as a race, and I mean the whole human race as a whole, if we all stay in our own separate cultures.
“Scrap political correctness in public affairs” Political correctness always annoys me, mainly because it doesn’t exist. It’s call politeness and when did this become a bad thing.

Thank you for reading this email and it would be nice to get a reply explaining more on some of these parts of your manifesto.

Remember you can join in with this, just go onto their websites, have a quick read through their manifestos, believe me their manifestos aren’t that long, and then send off an email. As yet I have had no reply from the English democrats

There’s still time to enter yesterdays competition and win that mystery prize, I’m gonna make it a good prize. So far I’ve had one entry and that was my brother. Simply give me a strange disease and my favourite will be the title for saturday nights blog. Cheers for stopping by.

 

I Really Wanna See Your Voting Fingers April 14, 2010

Filed under: General,Politics — terrygreene182 @ 10:52 pm

So the election has been announced, the manifestos have been released and the debates are set to begin. Let me be the first to say that I’m genuinely excited.

There is a lot of talk around about people being uninterested and disillusioned by it but I can’t see this, wherever I go people are talking about the election and in many cases being concerned about the fact that the Conservatives may get in. Yes, this is a bad thing and I would very much like to make this post about everything that is wrong with them and their hardback copy of the daily mail that they released yesterday, but alas that would not be light-hearted enough.

After much deliberation I have finally settled on voting Liberal Democrat. I was going to tactically vote Labour but then after some serious thought my mind went for intelligent idea of fuck it I want Lib Dem and I want them now.

Okay, so Nick Clegg doesn’t appear to have much of a personality, seriously I have tried so hard to find one I just can’t, but it doesn’t detract away from the main points of the party that are there and have been there for several years

Labour and conservative, or Consavour as I like to call them(oooh satire, get me). I’ll stop there, I don’t actually have an end to this sentence I just wanted to use Consavour. That’s it for the general election and now a short piece on my local MP.

Now I’m not going to name him so let’s just say he is called Bib Sponk(shh just reverse the vowels) has been my local MP for many years now, previously Conservative he has since left the party and become an Independent because he didn’t like the direction that the Conservatives were leaning. This being the time when the Conservatives started to lean slightly towards the middle ground, so he decided no that’s not right-wing enough for me and decided to leave.

After doing some searching I found out some things that he voted on, and what an interesting read that was. He voted strongly against equal gay right, he voted strongly for the Iraq war, he voted mildly for an investigation into the Iraq war, voted strongly against the hunting ban and mildly for the smoking ban. What a prick.

He also didn’t bother voting on the recent Digital Economy Bill, I questioned him on why he didn’t feel the need to vote and I got back a rather shit explanation of an email and oh look, here it is… 

I am totally against this bill but it was passed through by both the Tory and Labour parties by their agreement which I was totally against and made this very clear to their Whips.  But it was a done deal.  So by all means vote against me and let the Tories win here, they’d be delighted and see it as commendation for their work on this Bill.

 Their action was anti democratic, the parties conspired yet again to do it in the face of public opposition.

 Please send them a message by voting for me and Independent with the best work rate including voting rate by the way of ALL 647 MPs.

 This is the only way to send Tories and labour a message.  Otherwise we will get more of the same.

 And will you allow my poster please?  I would put it up and take it down no work needed from you.  If you really do care about democracy and the carve-up the Tories did to push the Bill through.

Now I’m not massively clever but surely if all the independents who didn’t vote, and all the Lib Dems who didn’t vote had voted then surely that bill would not have been pushed through.

So yeah, vote Lib Dem!

 

Feeling Healthy April 11, 2010

Filed under: General,Good Mood — terrygreene182 @ 8:10 pm

Today I forced myself to get up early and went for a 3 hour walk and, strangely enough, I feel better for it.

I’ve got to that stage where I realise I need to lose some weight and get myself into some form of okay shape, just to give myself a little bit of self-esteem, so I thought the best way to do that would be to start of exercising properly by taking a walk. A walk which I will definitely be doing again next week.

After tumbling out of bed at 10 this morning it took me a while to get my brain in gear. You know what I’m talking about, it happens to everyone most mornings. That point where you sit slumped on the edge of your bed, with your lips jutting forward in a cavemanesque fashion. It took me half an hour to even think about going out.

After finally getting the energy together I finally packed up my bottle of drink, made the night before I might add, I’m like Ray Mears I am, always prepared, although I don’t look like a 12-year-old boy, and headed out, but not before grabbing my coat due to the clouds that had formed over my house. This was a mistake though as five minutes later all the clouds had gone and I was left holding my coat in the beautiful sun shine.

Headphones in and the country park beckoned. I do love country parks because they are the only places where people actually smile at you and say hello, especially when, inevitably, one of their dogs runs up to you and looks at you with its stroke me eyes, and there is always such odd breeds of dogs that you see than when you just walk round the streets.

Midway through walking up one hill I looked to the top and just began wishing there would be a bench at the top, and I was happy to see the beginnings of a bench forming over the top of the hill. This bench has now become my favourite bench of all time, not just because I needed it after the hill which was a lot harder to walk up that it looked, but because of the message engraved on it. “Doris H. Stood here and wished there was a seat” Although it did make me think that maybe she’d had a heart attack on that spot. The only message that would have been better than that would have been “Alfred G. Kneeled here cottaging and wished there was a seat”

After another half hour of walking I had the delight of another hill, but at the top of this was another treat. COWS!! That’s right, they’re that good they deserved two exclamation marks, I know what your thinking in your mind “Please tell me, did you get a picture of the cows, please tell me you did?”

Of course I did. Although that first one scared me as it’s eyes followed me as I passed it and then I had to climb over one of the fences with the horizontal slots of wood. I’m not sure what they’re called but I’m sure they designed by someone who hates the elderly, believe me I had to wait several minutes for an old couple to get over while I had to do the polite smile and laugh along with them in a way that’s like, cor who woulda thought it ay, while thinking I hate you, why aren’t you in a home. Back to the cow though, it just watched me climb and really thought he was waiting for the right moment to just charge and crush my leg.

The second cow is my friend though, I named him Constantinople.

Finally after another half hour of walking I decided to make the trek back home. It was the most uneventful end to a walk of my life, plus it was mostly downhill so it went quite fast.

Next week I’m going on another walk, although I think I’m going to find somewhere else to go, vary it a bit.

Thanks for reading.