It’s real, give it a google.
Remember kids, the competition is still open. Just leave an illness in the comments on any of the Britains Got…. blogs and I will choose my favourite for the final and that person will win a mystery prize. I say mystery, it’s just not been decided yet but I promise it will be something good. So get your thinking caps on and send m your best efforts. You can enter as much as you like.
Anyway, the time is upon again so here we go for an hour of vacuous nothingness with the possibility of some talent on the horizon, once we get past the intro that is. I feel we need a crap joke.
Taking to the stage first this week is Marlene, 62, from Bournemouth and she’s going to sing us a little song. From the look of her I’m expecting some music hall-style songs, but alas it’s not. She just ends up sounding like a karaoke night at a holiday camp but she was fun. To watch that is, not be around. If that happened I would have to smash her face in with a brick.
Ryan giving us a little rendition of You Raise Me Up, well we all try to sing along when it’s on so why not give it a go in front of a large audience.
Jamie Harding, in a purple body suit, giving us a little dad rocker dancing and baring ALL to the world.
Pucker Productions, at last an amateur production group compan….oh they’re gone.
END OF MONTAGE!
Alan James, the rejected member of ZZ Top, saying he “saw Top Of The Pops on the radio” no explanation needed, and thank god he is singing a song that he wrote himself. Oh this is a heartbreaking song, and all you can see coming through is years of constant rejection as he sidles up to them in bars, twiddling his moustache and begins with his opening gambit of “I’m wearing my National Lottery undies. Push the button and release the balls!”
Josh Barry, 16 years old, and a student, sponging bastard. I don’t pay for you to go on talent shows, wow I’m really getting into this Tory government. Singing a classic, which I have never heard anyone sing badly which leads me to think that no one can sing this badly, even with hair that bad, I can’t comment mine is constantly a mess but I don’t put myself forward for national ridicule.
Mystica? maybe, belly dancing without bellies, yet still somehow through.
Julia? I’m not getting any of these names, and her act is performing the BBC ident from several years ago.
Again I missed the name, but essentially it’s a less complicated diversity. Now one quick point, Amanda says there were real glimpses of genius in their act. Did I miss Ben Goldacre while I was looking down.
END OF MONTAGE!
Twist and Pulse are next, looking like the two bullied members of “the cool kids” gang, and their going t give us a little dance. With a timely reminder of The Cheeky Girls which just brings back the thought of why! But it was funny at points but in the end with all of these new pop locking dances, I sound middle-aged, it’s just moving in a jolty style. Essentially they could just put someone with epilepsy onto the stage and make them have a fit to get the same result.
The something poets society, with much and fish. This is when cross breeding goes wrong.
THAT WAS A SHIT MONTAGE!
Mark James, dressed as the Phantom of The Opera, to show people that he is good at what he does. Im worried, there are a number of things I’m good at but I’m pretty sure they would be illegal to put on a stage and national television. Oh he’s doing a half and half song, I remember when I first saw one of these, it was good. Then I saw another one, it wasn’t so good. Having just checked Twitter I see that many people are showing a lot of love to the contestants. I feel so alone.
So now we have a female Diversity called Ice. I say female I can see a male there. I understand that this sort of dancing is impressive but there’s a time and a place for it and that was last year. I’m going to stop writing about this act because I will just get angry and lose a lot of readers. Okay I’m going to say a bit more. How can Simon Cowell say he doesn’t like it when people are coached. Has he never seen the X Factor! He’s made his career out of coaching people to sing horrible shit, the beaver headed cunt. Ahem, rant over.
Paul Burling, doing some impressions for us. Let’s see how up to date they are, I’m expecting Les Dennis up to date. Oh I’m pleasantly surprised that he’s begun with a Harry Hill impression, and then the cartoon impressions came out. I wish I was easily pleased because I would have found that entertaining, unfortunately I’m a bit of a comedy snob, if your going to impressions then make them real people. So he’s through and my faith in humanity is destroyed, I miss natural selection.
That’s all folks HAHAHAHAHA I’M SO FUCKING FUNNY, I DID A BUGS BUNNY IMPRESSION HAFUCKINGHAHA!
Ahem, sorry I don’t know what came over. Goodbye for now.