And I’m back, after almost a week of no posts I felt I’d better poke my head above ground, but what with the election I have been either busy, or tired. Seriously, massively and literally(bet you’ve seen that used in the right context in a while) tired.
I feel that I need to tell you all something before I go on to the main chunk of this blog. A pensioner stayed awake longer than me. That’s it, breathe in and settle yourself. David Dimbleby is a god. He spent 17 hours on TV and I had to sleep for 5 of them, I say sleep, it was a drunken stupor. And can I just say I have never felt more British than when I woke up, put on some shorts and a hoodie with the hood up, rocking from foot to foot. headache pulsing, eyes not fully open due to the hangover, jaw hanging open, while I looked at the television to see the queen while some classical music played in the background. And that my friends, is what it means to be British.
So it’s been a big day which has left a lot of people with a sour taste in their mouth, but don’t worry I’m here to cheer you up with a specially written letter, which is probably in slightly bad taste but I’m sure it will raise a smile.
Any persons mentioned in the next piece are completely fictional and anything they share with real people is completely by coincidence even if it is spot on life.
A letter from Captain Birdseye to the World.
Dear The World,
Hello there, it’s me Captain Birdseye. I know it’s been a while but I’ve spent a lot of time in Cambodia of late doing sunbathing and all that.
I just wanted to say sorry for, you know, taking your kids and all that. Maybe I should have found a proper crew for my ship but what with shipping duties, I just couldn’t afford to pay them so I felt the best way was to just steal all the children off the Isle Of Wight, but it was for their own good really, I gave them thumbs.
All the kids were fed well, with plenty of omega 3. I even showed them where fish hide their fingers, just under the third gill from the top on the left, but don’t tell anyone.
Okay they may have all died on our final voyage but it was worth it. I finally managed to find the mythical waffle, and besides you have to forgive me for anything I’ve ever done now because I’ve got cancer like that Jade Goody, yeah that’s right. Also my agent, Max Clifford, has asked me to say that I would very much like you to respect my privacy, but I will be releasing daily updates even if there is no change, but it’s ok, it’s not sick because I’m doing it for the children, so that’s alright then.
Hugs and Kissed, Captain Birdseye.