Me Man And Man Make Cry July 12, 2011

On the 12th of July I cried for 15 minutes.

What made this happen? The film Marley and Me. It’s not even that great a film but there’s something about defenceless creatures that get’s my tear ducts leaking profusely down my cheeks.

I can still remember the first film that ever really made me cry, it’s not Bambi as is most people’s standard tear-jerker moment from childhood, but was in fact “Homeward Bound”.

Yes that’s right, Homeward Bound. Essentially a film about 2 dogs and a cat going on a hiking holiday and being held hostage by nature. Think The River Wild but with animals instead, pesky porcupines and a meddlesome moose. (Don’t judge me on the alliteration, I’m sure you couldn’t have resisted it either.)

I haven’t seen this film in quite some time, yet I’m sure that if I watch it anytime soon it will still reduce me to tears. Just the thought of that golden retriever not appearing over the top of that hill makes me worry every time I watch it. What if someones snuck into my house with their own alternative ending to the film where Shadow dies by that train track, and what if they’ve painstakingly spent all night cutting this alternative ending onto my video so that the next time I watch it I don’t get the elation of seeing him slowly appear, instead I just get the depression of a harmless dogs death. Although saying this makes me wonder, surely if you’ve got an alternative ending you would also have in your possession a full video edit containing this alternative ending, so why did you spend the night slicing and dicing my video, why not just swap them over. I’m hardly going to notice that you’ve stolen my version until the end, and at this point it’s to late because you’ve already achieved what you wanted to. Jesus, think it through next time will you!

Enough of my Homeward Bound obsession anyway. That’s not even the most embarrassing tearful film story.

A little fun game for the middle of the blog, I’ll give you a quick quote and you have to guess the film before you read the next sentence. OK, everyone clear on the rules? Good, here we go then.

To infinity and beyOH DEAR GOD, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO ENDDD!!!

Sorry about that, I couldn’t even write the quote without bringing back the terrible emotions from that fateful day.

It started off as quite a good day, I was being the kindly elder brother and taking my 12-year-old brother(remember that age) to the cinema to see a couple of films. I knew I was taking him to see Toy Story 3 but I thought while there I might as well introduce him to something good so managed to get Scott Pilgrim Vs The World in first. Great film, go watch it.

Anyway, I sat there, for pretty much fiery pit onwards, audibly weeping, while my 12 YEAR OLD brother sat there smiling his head off having the time of his life. If anything is going to make you feel less of a man weeping at a childs film while a child sits there as happy as Jeremy Vine on election night when he gets to play with the green screen.

The most annoying thing about this instance of crying is that I wasn’t even that big a fan of the first two films in the Toy Story franchise. I’d only seen the first film about 3, maybe 4 times, and amazingly at that point had never fully seen the second film( I later discovered the reason for that, it isn’t very good). I have since seen the first two films about 10 times each, so now that I actually feel something for these characters it just makes the end of number 3 harder. I truly feel for the young dads who had grown up with Toy Story and loved it more than me and had to take their children to see the third in the trilogy as they must have been wailing. At least I just wept….losers.

Marley and Me started this blog and Marley and Me is going to end it.

Why would Channel Four show this on a sunday night, no one is out on a sunday night so if your watching this film, your watching it with other people, you don’t have a choice. Also starting a film like this at 8pm means that you have to let the kids stay up to watch the last hour, meaning, if you have a wife and children, there are at least three people there to watch you cry your eyes out for twenty minutes.

As I mentioned earlier it’s not even that good a film, I liked it yes, but from the start of the film I knew that John Grogan had just set out to lure people in with this loveable story of a boisterous and loveable dog before leaving you to weep while the credits rolled, or if you read the book, while you flicked through those last 5 blank pages which are always inexplicably at the back of every book.

My point to this blog, although yes I’ll admit for this point to make sense you need to ignore everything I have written before, is that crying is a good thing. It’s cathartic and is needed every now and then. Just make sure you do it hidden away somewhere from the general public because I catch you crying all you’ll get from me is an awkward pat on the back and the words “there there, never mind”.

Now let’s all just say “Awwww look at the cute little doggy!!!”

I Found This May 24, 2010

Looking through the folder on my computer I found this review I wrote on the Justin Lee Collins unsuccessful quiz show “Heads Or Tails”, so as a cop-out for me, meaning I don’t have to do any thinking, here it is.

Justin Lee Collins latest vehicle, Heads or Tails, is the poor mans version of ITV’s The Colour of Money, which in itself was a poor mans version of Channel Fours Deal or No Deal.

As concepts go, it is possibly the simplest concept known to man. Pick a number, flip a coin, pick heads or tails. If you get it right you win what ever is under the number you chose. That must have been one heavy brainstorming session, just think of the brain power in that room.

Channel Five has been dragging itself out of it’s reputation for being a low-budget channel by showing top American dramas such as the CSI collection of shows, Law and Order, and more recently spending a lot on getting the rights to show Flash Forward, one of the newest and biggest dramas to take the US by storm. So why make something like this. Well it’s cheap is probably the answer. With these types of shows they usually film several episodes in a day with the host just changing their shirt between each shoot.

Justin Lee Collins is a great choice of host for a show like this because it’s impossible to hate him, no matter how much you try. The big cuddly looking lion somehow just oozes likeability in whatever he does. Although not having the ability to be his usual loud and loveable self, he can at least get out of his stereotypical role of being the crazy one, and get down to homing his skill as a presenter. Perhaps if this show had happened before his ITV2 chat show it may have made it more watchable.

Looking at Alan Carr his comedy partner,  he also did a quiz show, but on this they let him be himself and it appears letting this happen could count towards the success of his current chat show, Chatty Man ( Channel Four ), and why he is now one to watch on the live stand up comedy circuit.

But can Justin Lee Collins go any further, he has been in the pubic psyche for a number of years longer that Alan Carr but doesn’t seem to have grown, He’s like the jogging bottoms of the TV world, comfortable but you’d never tell anyone you wore them.

Tada, and I was only a child then. To be honest I didn’t read it fully back to myself, I hope it’s worth a read.

I’m Magic May 23, 2010

Seriously I am, for the first time ever I am sitting in the garden, in the setting sun, writing this. I feel like a magician. 10 years ago this wouldn’t have been possible yet today we take it for granted. Modern life really is the best. I even have Spotify open, that’s how cool I am.

Anyway, moving away from rambling on about the old days I’m going to put down some ideas that I had during the week(ideas that I can remember that is), the Britain’s Got… post will either come tomorrow or later on tonight or not at all this week, for once I had a life on a saturday night.

My Ideal World

That’s right folks, I’m going philosophical on your arses. I say philosophical because I know it is never going to happen but can’t you let a boy dream.

So my ideal world is essentially communistic, not how it’s been in the past, but how it’s meant to be, what it actually means. Here’s the plan.

• Everything is free, houses, phones, ipads, whatever you want it’s free. (Size of house is dependant on the size of your immediate family I’m thinking.)

• Everyone has to work. What I’m thinking is everyone works 2 or 3 days a week so that there is space for everyone to work on a rota type system.

That’s all I’ve thought through for the moment, it’s been in my head for a while but that second point only came to me this week. As I said let a boy dream. Any more suggestions to this ideal world would be much appreciated. Let’s all come together and make it happen. Again as I said let a boy dream.

Spotify

I know you all probably know about it but I have only just entered the world of Spotify and what a brilliant world it is. I have been spending hours on this listening to music that I’d forgotten about. I would post a link up to my playlists but I’m not sure how to. I will say however listen to Hot Club De Paris, Future Of The Left, The Voluntary Butler Scheme, Emmy The Great, Metronomy, Le Reno Amps, Aqualung and Stornoway.

The England Flag Rumour

Rumour being what it is, as in false, not true, a lie, another phrase which means much the same thing. God knows where it started but it was fuelled in no small part by paper that has the audacity to call it self the news. That’s right the non-thinking person Daily Mail that is The Sun.

The actual story is that a police force suggested to a couple of pubs where there is often trouble during the world cup to possibly ban football shirts during the tournaments. That’s football shirts, not England shirts, not England flags but football shirts. To these suggestions the landlords have said that yes what the police SUGGESTED was a good idea and that they were going to give many of their suggestions considerations.

If your going to believe this rumour then maybe you should focus your anger on the fans causing the trouble and not on the innocent bystanders who don’t care what flag you’re waving around but do care when violence erupts.

Thanks for reading this hastily put together post. I shall now wander upstairs, crack out the Cointreau and coke and watch Money on BBC2, catch it on the iplayer, it might be alright.

Britain’s Got… blog to come tomorrow I’m now thinking. If I don’t remember then give me a nudge on here, twitter, or facebook.

Sunday Night Blues May 16, 2010

I don’t know what it is about sunday nights but I get grumpy. I usually end up snapping at a family member and having to sit upstairs. So today I took the pre-emptive strike of moving up stairs directly after dinner(lovingly prepared by me) and will now spend the rest of tonight watching crap television. That is, after I’ve written this clumsily cobbled together blog of ideas.

Politics.

So we have a new government, conlib, condem, libcon, however you want to describe, and already it has caused controversy by the fact that it is two seeming polar opposite parties who have now come together for the next five years. The right-wing hate it, the left-wing hate it, but the fence sitters are surely loving it. Saying that they probably haven’t even noticed anything happening and probably didn’t even vote, the scum they are.

After the initial shock of what had happened, and once I had got past how creepy it was to see Clegg and Cameron in a garden laughing and joking, I finally managed to get my head in a balanced enough place to make my mind up. Although I would rather have not had the Conservatives in power at all, at least while they are there the Liberal Democrats can hopefully stop them from doing any of their more right-wing plans such as repealing the hunting ban(I hope).

For me David Cameron will never be the prime minister and for the next five years, or however long until the two parties start arguing, in my mind this country will have no prime minister. I know it’s a bit of a childish thing to do, but what is the point in living if your going to let go of childhood completely. I still talk to myself when no ones around, I talk to my animals as if they can understand me, and whenever they house is empty I do indeed dance like a champion.

What I’m saying is, don’t lose hope and faith with the Liberal Democrats, love them all the same, if you did that is, and keep supporting them. This is bound to give them a better footing for next time round and who knows the (spits on floor) Sun may even start supporting them at the next election. Although if that happens I shall then be voting for someone else. Maybe the Greens, I like them.

What’s the difference between a bus and the BNP? A bus has got seats and is going somewhere.(Joke via Billy Bragg, our lord and saviour)

Productive Weekend.

I actually managed to do some decent things this weekend. I finished reading a book that had been sitting in my bag for months, and I’ve begun reading another.

The book I finished was Black Butterfly by Mark Gatiss. The third, and final I think, in the Lucifer Box series, and a brilliant end to what has been a wonderful set of books. I started reading them by chance, me being the type of person who buys a book because of the cover(or in the some cases the pages, see Popco and The end of Mr Y), and from the moment I opened the first page of The Vesuvius Club I was hooked. With a brilliant lead character in Lucifer Box, who is portrayed in such a charming and charismatic way that you instantly fall in love with him. These three books are not only well written, but are also truly funny and cause some laugh out load moments, which cause some odd looks while on the bus, and even moments of real tension. This is the first book that I have ever read while clenching my fist and willing the characters to victory. I urge you, if you have not yet read them to give them a try.

I’ve now start reading the brilliant Richard Herrings “How Not To Grow Up”, one chapter in and it’s looking good. Available for £6.99 on Amazon, and is currently top of the comedy charts, so let’s keep it there. Also while your buying that why not pop over to www.gofasterstripe.com and buy everything, not just Richard Herrings stuff but everything. It’s worth it.

Also this weekend I finally sat down and carried on with the work I started months ago on some sketches. Credit Crunch BBC is my working title, and if anyone knows of a good place to send these sketches to get them seem, then any help would be greeted with nothing but graciousness, perhaps even a pint if I ever met you.

Britains Got Stendhal Syndrome May 15, 2010

It’s real, give it a google.

Remember kids, the competition is still open. Just leave an illness in the comments on any of the Britains Got…. blogs and I will choose my favourite for the final and that person will win a mystery prize. I say mystery, it’s just not been decided yet but I promise it will be something good. So get your thinking caps on and send m your best efforts. You can enter as much as you like.

Anyway, the time is upon again so here we go for an hour of vacuous nothingness with the possibility of some talent on the horizon, once we get past the intro that is. I feel we need a crap joke.

Taking to the stage first this week is Marlene, 62, from Bournemouth and she’s going to sing us a little song. From the look of her I’m expecting some music hall-style songs, but alas it’s not. She just ends up sounding like a karaoke night at a holiday camp but she was fun. To watch that is, not be around. If that happened I would have to smash her face in with a brick.

MONTAGE TIME!

Ryan giving us a little rendition of You Raise Me Up, well we all try to sing along when it’s on so why not give it a go in front of a large audience.

Jamie Harding, in a purple body suit, giving us a little dad rocker dancing and baring ALL to the world.

Pucker Productions, at last an amateur production group compan….oh they’re gone.

END OF MONTAGE!

Alan James, the rejected member of ZZ Top, saying he “saw Top Of The Pops on the radio” no explanation needed, and thank god he is singing a song that he wrote himself. Oh this is a heartbreaking song, and all you can see coming through is years of constant rejection as he sidles up to them in bars, twiddling his moustache and begins with his opening gambit of “I’m wearing my National Lottery undies. Push the button and release the balls!”

Josh Barry, 16 years old, and a student, sponging bastard. I don’t pay for you to go on talent shows, wow I’m really getting into this Tory government. Singing a classic, which I have never heard anyone sing badly which leads me to think that no one can sing this badly, even with hair that bad, I can’t comment mine is constantly a mess but I don’t put myself forward for national ridicule.

MONTAGE!

Mystica? maybe, belly dancing without bellies, yet still somehow through.

Julia? I’m not getting any of these names, and her act is performing the BBC ident from several years ago.

Again I missed the name, but essentially it’s a less complicated diversity. Now one quick point, Amanda says there were real glimpses of genius in their act. Did I miss Ben Goldacre while I was looking down.

END OF MONTAGE!

Twist and Pulse are next, looking like the two bullied members of “the cool kids” gang, and their going t give us a little dance. With a timely reminder of The Cheeky Girls which just brings back the thought of why! But it was funny at points but in the end with all of these new pop locking dances, I sound middle-aged, it’s just moving in a jolty style. Essentially they could just put someone with epilepsy onto the stage and make them have a fit to get the same result.

MONTAGE!

The something poets society, with much and fish. This  is when cross breeding goes wrong.

THAT WAS A SHIT MONTAGE!

Mark James, dressed as the Phantom of The Opera, to show people that he is good at what he does. Im worried, there are a number of things I’m good at but I’m pretty sure they would be illegal to put on a stage and national television. Oh he’s doing a half and half song, I remember when I first saw one of these, it was good. Then I saw another one, it wasn’t so good. Having just checked Twitter I see that many people are showing a lot of love to the contestants. I feel so alone.

So now we have a female Diversity called Ice. I say female I can see a male there. I understand that this sort of dancing is impressive but there’s a time and a place for it and that was last year. I’m going to stop writing about this act because I will just get angry and lose a lot of readers. Okay I’m going to say a bit more. How can Simon Cowell say he doesn’t like it when people are coached. Has he never seen the X Factor! He’s made his career out of coaching people to sing horrible shit, the beaver headed cunt. Ahem, rant over.

Paul Burling, doing some impressions for us. Let’s see how up to date they are, I’m expecting Les Dennis up to date. Oh I’m pleasantly surprised that he’s begun with a Harry Hill impression, and then the cartoon impressions came out. I wish I was easily pleased because I would have found that entertaining, unfortunately I’m a bit of a comedy snob, if your going to impressions then make them real people. So he’s through and my faith in humanity is destroyed, I miss natural selection.

That’s all folks HAHAHAHAHA I’M SO FUCKING FUNNY, I DID A BUGS BUNNY IMPRESSION HAFUCKINGHAHA!

Ahem, sorry I don’t know what came over. Goodbye for now.

Turn That Frown Upside Down. May 11, 2010

And I’m back, after almost a week of no posts I felt I’d better poke my head above ground, but what with the election I have been either busy, or tired. Seriously, massively and literally(bet  you’ve seen that used in the right context in a while) tired.

I feel that I need to tell you all something before I go on to the main chunk of this blog. A pensioner stayed awake longer than me. That’s it, breathe in and settle yourself. David Dimbleby is a god. He spent 17 hours on TV and I had to sleep for 5 of them, I say sleep, it was a drunken stupor. And can I just say I have never felt more British than when I woke up, put on some shorts and a hoodie with the hood up, rocking from foot to foot. headache pulsing, eyes not fully open due to the hangover, jaw hanging open, while I looked at the television to see the queen while some classical music played in the background. And that my friends, is what it means to be British.

*

So it’s been a big day which has left a lot of people with a sour taste in their mouth, but don’t worry I’m here to cheer you up with a specially written letter, which is probably in slightly bad taste but I’m sure it will raise a smile.

Any persons mentioned in the next piece are completely fictional and anything they share with real people is completely by coincidence even if it is spot on life.

A letter from Captain Birdseye to the World.

Dear The World,

Hello there, it’s me Captain Birdseye. I know it’s been a while but I’ve spent a lot of time in Cambodia of late doing sunbathing and all that.

I just wanted to say sorry for, you know, taking your kids and all that. Maybe I should have found a proper crew for my ship but what with shipping duties, I just couldn’t afford to pay them so I felt the best way was to just steal all the children off the Isle Of Wight, but it was for their own good really, I gave them thumbs.

All the kids were fed well, with plenty of omega 3. I even showed them where fish hide their fingers, just under the third gill from the top on the left, but don’t tell anyone.

Okay they may have all died on our final voyage but it was worth it. I finally managed to find the mythical waffle, and besides you have to forgive me for anything I’ve ever done now because I’ve got cancer like that Jade Goody, yeah that’s right. Also my agent, Max Clifford, has asked me to say that I would very much like you to respect my privacy, but I will be releasing daily updates even if there is no change, but it’s ok, it’s not sick because I’m doing it for the children, so that’s alright then.

Hugs and Kissed, Captain Birdseye.

I’m Backing The Liberal Democrats May 5, 2010

That’s right, I know it’s a big surprise but it’s Liberal Democrats all the way, I even just got an email from Nick Clegg, I know it probably got sent to every one but it had my name at the top so it made me feel special.

Dear Terry,

This is my personal guarantee that I will use all the support you give me on Thursday to deliver fairness in Britain.

We need a fairer tax system. I will use your votes to cut taxes for those at the bottom and in the middle and close the loopholes for those at the top.

We need to support our children. I will use your votes to ensure extra funding for schools, to cut class sizes and give all children a fair chance.

We need to clean up politics. I will use your votes to reform Parliament, to deliver a fairer voting system, protect your freedoms and give you the right to sack corrupt MPs.

We need a new economy. I will use your vote to split up the banks, get them lending again, invest in green infrastructure and so create jobs.

This election campaign has shown us that millions of people want us to do something different this time.

Politicians should work together to solve the nation’s biggest problems. That is why, whatever the outcome on Thursday, I believe we should be prepared to work together to fix the terrible state of our public finances and ensure economic stability.

These are the key steps to a new, fairer Britain. Give me the power of your vote and we can make it happen.

Together, we can make the difference.

Best wishes,

I’ve always been a liberal me, not in the sense of I’ve always supported the Liberal Democrats but in the sense that I’m a uber liberal person. I prefer to see the good in the majority of people and don’t like seeing people treated unfairly. I believe the richer members of society should support the poorer members. I believe there needs to be electoral reform so that everyone’s vote counts. I believe there needs to be a complete overhaul of the financial system and that it needs to be changed and not fixed.I believe everyone is equal. I believe the press should not be involved in the government at all.

On all of these points the Liberal Democrats agree.

*

I also got an email from my current local MP today, he really doesn’t want my vote.

Final Election Statement By

Bob Spink:

“If elected, I will not keep Brown in Power.

Unlike the big parties, I’ve kept all my promises.

I’m right wing of Cameron on immigration, the EU,

school discipline, crime & punishment.

Political Parties don’t always tell the truth or keep promises, so why vote for them?”

So vote for Bob your tried and tested safe option.

Official audits show our MP Bob is the most hard-working, cost-effective of all MPs.   Don’t reward his decency and hard work by dumping him for an unknown.

If you think the big parties always tell the truth, reward them with your vote.

If not, vote Bob to get rid of Brown and make them listen to you

We need our experienced, campaigning MP, Bob

(not someone controlled by the party which voted for 5000 houses a few weeks ago)

to fight for our green belt at the Public Inquiry on 22^nd June 2010.

FACTS:

Castle Point is a two-horse race.

Conservatives will form the next Government and

you can keep your good, hard-working, local, loyal MP.

Don’t waste your vote.   Vote Bob

Don’t be fooled again by political spin.

“It has been a wonderful time working for you; sincere thanks, however you vote.”   Bob

Well he’s now lost the vote from me that he never had.

So this has been election week, I’ll see you on the other side. Tonight we rest, but tomorrow WE FIGHT!!

VOTE LIBERAL DEMOCRATS!

Pressing The Election. May 3, 2010

There is nothing like looking in a paper to see a reasonable, balanced, and well thought out idea of what is going on in this election…are the words I wish I could write. Alas we all know that’s not how it is. With The Sun, and other Murdoch run papers pledging their allegiance several months ago for the Tories, the Daily Mirror(I didn’t even realise that was still going) are behind Labour, and finally, just in the nick of time, the Guardian giving their support to the Liberal Democrats.

So, in the interest of fairness, I’m going greatly weight this post against The Sun, they are my main cause of annoyance each day as it’s the only paper that I see on a regular basis, what with this new fangled invention of the internet I have no need of actually buying a paper, me being the same as most other people in the world, and then in turn this being why the papers have to print smear stories because it makes dullards pick up their knuckles off the floor and pay 20p for it, to then just look at the pictures.

Anyway back on task.

I heard a while ago, although at first it didn’t really sink in what was said, that the right wing press were told by those up on high to ignore the Liberal Democrats, that is why in the past few years there has been next to no coverage on what the Liberal Democrats were doing, how they felt on issues, and what they would have done. Yet we were bombarded with Cameron, because that is all it is as we are not allowed to see the rest of his cabinet, telling us what he would have done, why he would be better, and how if he was in charge we would all live in this fairytale world, as if we have all forgotten what sort of party the Conservatives are. Behind the mask that is Cameron it is all the same people who were there before he was in charge. Just google Phillippa Stroud and read what they wont write into the main stream papers.

Following up the point of the press ignoring the liberal democrats, this meant that they were not ready for Nick Clegg to give the Liberal Democrats the biggest boost in quite a while with his appearances on the live TV debates. This meant they suddenly had to turn on their foot, stop attacking labour, and instead cobble together some smear stories against Nick Clegg and the Liberal Democrats which were all conveniently on the front page of four national newspapers on the same day. Only the next day, when all these stories had either been proved untrue or shown to be completely out of context it was not reported in these papers, and when the Conservatives admitted to releasing the stories to the relevant papers they decided not to release that information to their readers either.

That is why the internet has been so important during this election, it has meant that information like that does get around to people. For example during the second TV debate David Cameron kept attacking Gordon Brown about using scare tactics in their leaflets, and before the debate was over pictures went round of a Conservative leaflet which was just a picture of a machete dripping with blood and the phrase “Violent Crime Up Under Labour”.

The internet is a powerful tool and it is at times like this that it becomes essential to get truth out there and to show up hypocrisy. So ignore what the main stream press tells you and just google something and find out the truth for yourself.

Come back tomorrow(hopefully) for another election special, tomorrow I’m thinking the policies of the main three parties. This means I’m going to have to trawl through their manifestos, do you see what I do for you lovely readers.

One last thing. Remember this election is about lots of things but we can change things, so twitter, Facebook, Bebo, blog, MySpace, email, text, phone, write and do anything else you can to let them know what you want, and as the cliche goes, when you want it. NOW

General Election, More Like Genital Erection. May 2, 2010

(If you don’t want to read about politics please see last paragraph as I need your help)

Yeah that’s right, I’m like a walking, talking Carry On… film.

So the race is on, well it has been for nearly a month now but we’re heading into the final week so I stand by that statement, the race is on. Originally it was basically a choice between Labour and the Conservatives but the debates blew that wide open and we are no longer in a(ready for the cliché) two-horse race. The Liberal Democrats came out looking like a breath of fresh air after the first debate, and although admittedly losing a bit of steam, still seem like they could pull something out of the bag at the last-minute and win the vital votes.

So, it’s time to play…Who wants to be our next prime-minister?

Will it be Gordon Brown, with the look of a brown bear balloon that’s slowly deflating, if it wasn’t for that smile there would just be nothing pleasant about him demeanour, but that’s not what we should be looking for in our PM.  It’s the voice we should want! Seriously, get a little portable radio and listen to him speak, he sent tingles down my spine with his smooth voice.

Or maybe it could be David Cameron, with his slick hear, slick forehead, and massively prosthetic looking chin. I’m not sure what’s happened to him during this campaign but he just seems to be getting weirder looking, and impossibly shiny. He even came out with a fake tan at one point which was mysteriously gone the next day. But as for his voice, well I’ve never felt my skin crawl that fast than when I first heard him speak.

But there is always the possibility that we could get the one, the only, Nick Clegg. After spending months in obscurity, which I’ll come onto later(If I don’t remind me), he shot up the polls after just one debate, maybe it was the polices, or maybe it was the nonchalant way he stood, hand in pocket, not a hair out-of-place, looking all handsome with his yellow tie, and confident smile, and just let the other two bicker between themselves before he set out his plans, which were generally well received.

Of course this election is about who looks and sounds the best, but about policies so later on this week before the election I shall get onto that subject. As well as the press coverage and, realising I only have 3 days and then it’s vote time, who and why I am voting for. Let’s see if you can guess before, I’m sure it’s not obvious already.

I do need your help though. This will be the first general election where I’ve been old enough to vote and to care so naturally I shall be staying up with channel four on the television and BBC on the laptop to watch the coverage, luckily having managed to get friday off from work. So what I need your help with is a little game I will be playing which I’m sure many others shall also be playing. I call it “Drink-a-long-a-Dimbleby”, simple rules, every time David Dimbleby says a certain word of phrase I take a drink, but I need help to think up what this word or phrase should be. I’ve had a few ideas but I feel if I go with constituencies I’ll be on the floor by midnight. So please send your suggestions this way and stay up with me on Twitter or Facebook for a night of political fun times.

Britains Got Genital Warts. May 2, 2010

Due to only having one entrant in my competition I am keep it open until the final, simply leave a comment with a random, and weird illness and you could be in with a chance of winning a special mystery, as yet not decided, prize. So far the one entrant was of a brilliant stand up so you’ll have to work hard. Now to the show.

Here we are in Byker Grove town, personally I’m hoping to see Jeff come back from dead.

Now I write this blog as I watch the show, that being why it seems like it’s in bullet point form, and right now I’m going to make a prediction that whoever the first person is will not get through.

So it’s a dance troupe called AKA and there is nothing weird about fake tanned, make up caked ten-year olds. Oh no, wait, sorry, yes there is! Simon starts off with having to translate what on earth they ae saying, and then the dancing starts with just a blur of gold and the constant fear that their hair is going to get tied together. And I shall admit that I was wrong. They changed the format and put the first through, but you know what that means…

MONTAGE!!!

Greg Sorden, doing a little dance, and just, well I don’t know, I feel mean taking the mick out of the mentally challenged.

Nicola, doing some stand up comedy but with a severe lack of jokes.

Gary dressed in drag doing some terrible singing. Although someone should tell Simon that horrendous isn’t three words, even if you say it slowly.

END OF MONTAGE!!!

Hoho haha hehe, Ant and Dec made a joke about how terrible they are.

Magic time, but oh my god there’s someone playing a flute, this is going to be (in three words)bril…..li…..ant. SEE SIMON IT DOESN’T WORK!! So Dec started the clapping there, while some out of tune flute playing begins and Amanda Holden pulls some strange….smiles?…whenever a bird appears. Amazingly after the crap flute playing and the boring magic they got through, I have now lost my faith in Piers…no actually I feel exactly the same.

MONTAGE TIME AGAIN!!

Bendy twins, don’t get to excited men, they’re to young, wait a few years.

Georgie Overton, singing terribly yet for some reason going through. I am actually astounded at this episode, someones put acid in their water!

Bionic Funk, doing some crazy moves, and getting through, well someone had to have some talent.

END OF MONTAGE!!

Connected, a 14-year-old boy band, let’s spot the gay one! There is something severely off-putting about a group of boys that age talking about touring the world and releasing albums, especially when all five of them look dead behind the eyes. It’s as if their Tess Daly’s children, or a Hitler Youth boy band. It feels like watching the auditions for Blue before they were forced to add Simon. Here is my hope for these boys, that they get through to the final and mid way through their last song all their voices break. That is my dream now someone go give them some hormone treatment.

Geoff Derbyshire, 41, drives a fork lift, a broken nose, and writing on the back of his head. I’m expecting good things, oh jesus christ he’s stripping and skipping, and he’s off my tv.

I hear incidental music and I can smell a sob story. It’s Olivia, looking like a female version of Tom from Mcfly with a tongue that just wont fit her mouth. Ah it’s one of those young girls with the powerful voices that’s not disconcerting in any way. So everyone loves her, and everyone’s crying and the clichés come a flying. She made that her song. Well I beg to differ, if she had rewritten it then yes she would have made it her own.

Different dreams, two bonnie lasses(was that polite enough?) who look like they would be fun to go drinking with. I bet they could drink me under the table. Will this be a Susan Boyle moment………..well it is for one at the moment even with her bouncer style standing. Unfortunately the other wasn’t very good, so the choice had to be made and the shit ones gone. I’m honestly scared the better singer is about to turn into the hulk with the way she’s pacing. But suddenly without her friend she sounds worse, and chicachicaa they didn’t put her through, nice.

I must just say though, the Newcastle theatre looks lovely.

Well that was this week, thanks for coming to this rather late edition of Britain’s Got (insert illness). Now I shall spend the next day staring at the screen as I play the new Final Fantasy. I bid you adieu.